The Zero Days of  Life

"Above the planet on wing and a prayer. My grubby halo, a vapour trail in empty air. Across the clouds I see my shadow fly, Out of the corner of my watering eye."

So this is me after Brute Forcing one year of my life, what I mean by brute forcing is to stop listening to all the voices that tell me to stop, to act more civil, to stay in these imaginary locus of humanly boundaries, to keep up broken friendships, unfinished business. I am not that guy anymore I am more younger and eager to welcome the next year.

What I am adding next to my todo list is an optimisation problem, to optimise for better outcomes in this game of probability. Optimisation is often misunderstood, it is showed comfortable, peaceful but it's not. As one said, the best thing to do for me currently is "build steel and lay concrete", after this comes the Optimisation, every fucking day, every week for the whole fucking year. well optimisation is a tricky problem for me there's always a need to keep the solid efforts in place and continuous while optimising for other things such as choices, options, trends etc.

If you're reading till here, you're into me now, believe or not, you are. in my belief criticising others is for the weak, but if you do remember one thing, the person you're reading right now will wake up every fucking day, hating his life, knowing that he sucks at what he does but even the cloud bursts on him or the hell let loose, he'll again wake up next day, do the same shit, do it until he gets better at it, do it until his soul escapes or he becomes better. I know myself, I know my body enough to know that I am not a comfortable person, I need to challenge myself everyday to get something, I want. Smartness is not my forte, or I'm smart enough to know that I'm dumb. I can't live comfortably with my problems and make do with all I have, there's always this inherent need for more, I am willing to fail instead of living in the despair of not trying and be stagnant.

If you've learnt linux, or ever wondered using it this is command that you might wanna type on the terminal for the first time, It tells you the current user you are logged in as. Not anything more than that, just the user you're logged in as. If you come across me someday in a cafe or a busy street and you ask me who are you? You are just gonna get the user I am logged in as, nothing about what's my story. If you're reading here you might find the complete answer to my whoami.

I am not really someone great, I am not even the most motivated one, I am the guy that loves life from his nerdy eyeballs and dorky thoughts, life is perfect you might think so, well no actually, it's not. If you want to know when did I change myself, or when did all the mess happened in my life, it started last year, when I crashed and burnt, I had nothing solid to do, zero self confidence to start with, no clear picture in my mind, no "clarity" with me. I couldn't believe this is the guy who figured out everything he had to do in his life, when he was in 7th grade, I had everything written out to do, to become a good reverse engineer, to try my hands at studying outside for my bachelors, to do good in everything I planned to. None of that happened, On my last birthday I realised a few things that, I was a 20 year, under acheieved, underlived kid, who doesn't knows shit about what he wants to do in his, who tried to make other people laugh in hope of acceptance and fitting in, was once pretty figured out and now is just burnt out. One thing wasn't adding up to the whole equation, "I knew I didn't want this, this isn't how I would want my life to end someday". I couldn't sleep at nights, possibly my migraine added to sleep insomnia, but life wasn't easy, I couldn't struggle to even ask someone out and would give up in between, because I knew I am not someone, anyone would want to go out with, because I hadn't done anything in my life myself, I am proud of, I've just avoided truth all together, this was my life's "Kobiyashi Maru"

"I don't believe in the no win scenario", these words of captain kirk come to my mind whenever I am stuck at something. I just decided that this has to end, one way or another, I couldn't wait anymore to do something about it, I realised I had to take a stand for me, I just couldn't slip my life away. I stared distancing myself from people I felt suppressed from, the ones that insulted me, or made me feel weak. It wasn't easy to ignore for what some of people did, I had to. I started living on my own for while, I figured out I have to do something to get that, "clarity" I started applying for some companies and startups during my exams, just to know what I want, I got rejected pretty bad, It wasn't easily, I finally got somehting to start, everyday for the last 9 months, I worked, even If I'm not working. I started making some "good money" enough to make me self sufficient to try things on my own, to travel and meet people and gain the exposure I needed, it came at a cost but I knew I am not going to regret these, I travelled the most I've ever travelled in my life this year, between cities, in trains, finding my answers, better answers. It has changed me a lot to start things on my own, to mould life into something I've always wanted, "to reprogram my life's Kobiyashi Maru", there are 30 days exactly to the end of this year and the start of a new one, I've grown up to realise that life isn't a short spirnt, it's a marathon, it's not year or months, it's much more than that.

Interstingly, I couldn't sleep at a night before yesterday, that lead me into making something I just had a slight idea of it was to make scheduling for creators easy, as much as I avoid writing code for frontend, I managed to pull of the complete prototype in a single late night. The waitlist functionality wasn't planned initially but I'm glad I added this, it gave meetster a very limited touch, even though the total people who've wailisted till now are just 7, maybe some people do give a f*ck, when someone starts something different. I've already started working on the prototype, the dynamic link generation for creator is a bit of work, but I'll do that too.

This is the answer to my whoami, I know exactly where I wanna go, the things I wanna do, the people I want & all that with some randomeness, I am more than excited to see what life has to bring. Maybe you would've never realised this backstory at my first glance, but sometimes it's better to start a new life, to make new decisions, to meet new people, to start a new journey, this is my new life, you'll know the places I go (most of them).

Upwards & Onwards, Shubham

*This post is inspired by casey neistat's video about hard things.

Makes me wonder why would I do anything hard in life? Since I was a kid, going to school was hard, exams were hard, dating was hard, going to college was hard, and working a full time job was hard. for all I know they all added greate value in my life. But I wouldn't have opted for going to school as a child, I wasn't that smart maybe. but as a grown up suprisingly for me I opted a lot of hard things this year, I chose them now. Why the question still remains, until life recently hit me with the answer. There are rewards to most of hard things in life. Working on myself made me more confident, built trust on myself, and changed my perception in a great way. and unlike childhood where rewards were not that far to get and were pretty small. Growing up the rewards are far from reach but they are really worth working for and there's no better feeling than getting these rewards.

Still the questions remains unanswered, now I think it's how life has shaped itself, getting that short reward of going to a party spending all of my savings and making my life crash to ground again, this is thrilling to be real, I accept it. Working every day for hours, indulged in self conservation, working on something great, building something exciting, making life beautiful in one more way is what I'm upto these days. Nobody really cares if you do either of these two things. I did both of them, life is more harder the later way, for weeks, months, years nobody recognises what I am doing, nobody cares enough. But one day when walking in your room you see yourself in the mirror and realise that how much you've changed, you realise doing hard things is what makes life beautiul, I realise creation is a hard thing, and this is what I'm upto, creating a better life for myself, being a better man. Even though I have days of uncertainity, there's always something that tells me to keep going, to not stop, to walk it all.

Hard things are what make life beautiful and meaning, even though I know I'm going to stuggle a lot but I am not afraid of packing my rusty tools and show up tommorow again to work, lay concrete, build steel. Even if it means, leaving my comfort, people, and my past behind, I am ready. All in all I am learning to fly.

I realise how true, pink floyd's "mother" is, I didn't knew it wasn't just soulful music & effortless guitar riffs but very well thought writing and has the deepest of emotions. Honestly I wouldn't tell you this but this week has been a ride and it's not really somehting that I want more of, it was uncertainity and every thing that happened could've been a whole different thing having it's own set of challenegs and outcomes, it was demanding to say the least.

Okay I think, i have it figured out now. Imagine you (yes you!) are a pirate in a ocean full of oppurtinites (treasure), everyday as you wake up you have two choices either you search the ocean deeper at one location or you leave the place and search other places for newer treasures (yes just like you did in a.c. black flag). Well that's exactly what I've been doing this whole time. I won't say that Reiforcement learning has changed my life, but maybe the Q-learning algorithms & Montecarlo simulations were not just something meant limited to AI, but in a broader way applicable to my current life. Daily I choose to stay at the same spot, don't get me wrong, I've travelled this year more than i've ever done in my life, yet. But fundamentally I tried to stick to a pattern that produced me some good results with my daily life. which was usually working, and sometimes just overworking, which makes me feel productive and achieve in a shorter sense of time and when the next day strikes the counter just resets.

Now what is wrong, if using this policy is giving me optimal results in my daily life, giving a purpose to my life, pays my bills, does all the good. well nothing actually, it is fair to be like this, it has changed my life more than anything else. Changed my work ethic and revamped my confidence. I've noticed this recurring pattern, confidence -> better work & better work -> confidence and mastering this is the real hot deal. Honestly I'm pretty contentful of my current policy and just to put it out of my system, I'm sticking to this no matter what for a year atleast, I don't want to be a quick fuse. But the problem arises with the stumbling confidence when there's no external system what validates my progress. so that's something I'm gonna work on, but for now I'm sticking to my roots. I wouldn't lie but still making changes scares me a little of loosing what I've made and I know it's not completely true but it definetely isn't the most easy thing to give up on everything I've worked for and start again, I might not find a way back home again.

I hope this doesn't becomes a message left in the bottle on a vast ocean of uncertainity and chaos, I kiss it goodluck and hope that it find it's way to the shore. If not I must forever be a pirate.

what's my vision for life?

I've always wanted to live life in a great sense to experience the extreme of happiness and depths of everything in this world, like all the people I wanted to exeperience life to fullest by travelling beautiful world, weirdly when I was a kid I wanted to go fight a war, that seemed to me the extreme of human of human emotions, wars are not the only things that bring our humanity to it's most bare form, it's the daily slow decay wich all in all keeps us tongue tied and twisted. for most of the childhood I wanted to get out of where I came from, go to somewhere so far away and build a new life of my own without any of the societal restrictions, I still want to do that, money has given me a little entropy to support me in this dream of mine and I'm surely going to live it to fullest, no compromise.

But whatever life brings, I know where I want to go and I know for sure that I will. I am going to complete that dream of mine to live my exisistence to the fullest and push boundaries of my exsistence everyday. even if it means going through a hell or a patch of suffering, the views of life are worth the suffering, pain & sacrifice. I know I'm going there, onwards & upwards. I want to fulfill my karma and go all into it, dive deeper to what my true purpose is, without thinking of the external voices that tell me to stop, to dedicate myself to my purpose, to build my mind the temple of my thoughts.

It's been a month since I last wrote, but also It's been 6 months since I came out of my home to Jaipur, to work on something, there's always this saying that says that tells to "work on yourself for 6 months and your life will change." what do I say, ask me I just did that! First off all starting unrealistically is pretty bad start to do, ask me, I did that! staying alone doesn't gives you failure, ask me, I had that! also is this all bullshit? no it isn't, ask me I did that!

Honestly it's a little tough for me to put everything into one blog entry and think it of as done, but it's my responsibility to write the truth, and here I am, writing my system logs again. I crashed before I even took off most of the times in my life but this time I took off, I took a great flight & I'm still in the sky. Like a happy man I'll say everything worked out good, but as a person who's been through all of this making a sunshine world of your expectations isn't the best idea that works. "I have a dream" I've told this to my friends many times probably to some random strangers too.. but is it what I'm living, no, I'm not. but I'm working for it, alone. yes, honestly my dreams aren't that small that can be completed in a day or a while. I've realised this over time however hard I push, I can't actually get what I dreamt of in months or days. it's going to take me years probably, at best. I don't wanna be disappointed for doing nothing also all those years, instead I've setup checkpoints in my life that tell me of how close I am, and this year I've made some good leaps, the biggest of all possibly is knowing myself inside out, also working hard is one that came along the way. The Best thing to realise is things take time, being frustated about them didn't work out for me the best was to work and enjoy the checkpoints as they arrive, I've been pretty anxious about my progress from the start, I am still but the high of reaching that checkpoint is unbeatable. If going on a party gives you a high, this is mine, we are no different. Probably mine is a bit nerdy.

Just so you know, I'll be checking off a lot of dreams from my boxes this year, a lot of em, I'm gonna take that flight I always wanted, go to that city I always wanted and maybe forget for a week that I was a big mess, Maybe forget all the music taste I've got and listen to Pitbull for a week, do nothing but dance to edm everynight.

I started with having less self confidence, but I believed it'll eventually come along the way someday, it did. Unignorablly materalism helped in that, but not in all the evil ways that people made me think, but rather in a comfortable, progressive way, also money isn't the evil, we humans are sometimes. Anyways having completed the 6 months defintely feels fucking great, it would've been better if I removed all the external despair before only, but life is always easier said than done Also I made this channel, to push updates about my blog.

This post is inspired by Casey Neistat's video about hard things.

Makes me wonder why I would do anything hard in life? Since I was a kid, going to school was hard, exams were hard, dating was hard, going to college was hard, and working a full-time job was hard. For all I know, they all added great value to my life. But I wouldn't have opted for going to school as a child; I wasn't that smart, maybe. But as a grown-up, surprisingly for me, I opted for a lot of hard things this year; I chose them now. Why? The question still remains, until life recently hit me with the answer. There are rewards to most hard things in life. Working on myself made me more confident, built trust in myself, and changed my perception in a great way. And unlike childhood, where rewards were not that far to get and were pretty small, growing up, the rewards are far from reach, but they are really worth working for, and there's no better feeling than getting these rewards.

Still, the question remains unanswered. Now I think it's how life has shaped itself. Getting that short-term reward of going to a party, spending all of my savings, and making my life crash to the ground again—this is thrilling to be real; I accept it. Working every day for hours, indulging in self-preservation, working on something great, building something exciting, making life beautiful in one more way is what I'm up to these days. Nobody really cares if you do either of these two things. I did both of them. Life is much harder the latter way—for weeks, months, years, nobody recognizes what I am doing; nobody cares enough. But one day, when walking into your room, you see yourself and realize how much you've changed. You realize doing hard things is what makes life beautiful. I realize creation is a hard thing, and this is what I'm up to—creating a better life for myself, being a better man. Even though I have days of uncertainty, there's always something that tells me to keep going, to not stop, to walk it all.

Hard things are what make life beautiful and meaningful. Even though I know I'm going to struggle a lot, I am not afraid of packing my rusty tools and showing up tomorrow again to work, lay concrete, build steel. Even if it means leaving my comfort, people, and my past behind, I am ready. All in all, I am learning to fly.

Well a common observation that comes to my mind is that it's overfitted with a lots of data, don't get me wrong but I see that my mind works optimally when I'm really in the moment working on a future goal which is not too distant/vague practical to be honest. even though ignoring it constantly the happiness I expect from life isn't possible through casual ways, which are easy to find, it's more of the longer time taking Things that gives me off some sense of belonging and happiness.

Another fact I can't ignore is how much important it has became for me to be self-reliant, it might be the buzzword these days everywhere, I mean living on my parent's grace was only good till I was in school, now all the movie scenes makes sense to me where the rich kid leaves his wealthy parents and lives in a small apartment on his own, I mean it's not their parents fault but some time the aching heart is only self-repairable not everyone can do much about it rather than me, now I see why that rich kid wasn't stupid, even though I have never been rich to leave my ferrari back home.

The essence being, I don't to overfit anything in my life at this point, be it living on my own or my relationship with myself or how much work I need to do & it's something I can't really stress how much important it has became to take things the way they are and move forward practically with optimism.

The thing about truth is that it's a rabbit hole to my insecuriites all in all at one place. Once I go down that rabbit hole there's everything, I've escaped all the time, I've realised over time there isn't a better place to live than living in my own body, to know about my body and stay in touch with my eternal soul.

I've also noticed counting my repetetions during working sets, make them easier to achieve, kinda like a mental strenght, it makes me understand how much this of verbal feedback is important for a workout, it really kills my bad habit of forgetting counts during a workout, it's of great importance to maintain workouts the way they are supposed to be rather than just lifting heavy weights mindlessly, it feels more like dance of mind and body, one falls down the other falls with it. Well, I've never been good at either of them, yet. Both the beginning and end, comes to my honesty within, there are many ways to tip from here and only one way to go ahead, I don't know which one. I don't want to get lost now, I can't afford to, I will need a guru again in my life more than ever, more than I can explain by words. Someone to guide me through all this pain and getting to knwo myself again, I know for sure I have to walk this path alone but not aimlessly. My words won't make much sense to anyone, cause It's one of those things someone has to experience to know it. It's similar to pain, it's distributed.

Well the question that comes to my mind whenever I'm wake up is, "what am I doing?" Really yeah. even though I am the protagnoist of my own life I am rendered quizzical by this question. To tell you in brief what I actually do is, I wake up, I get ready, I sit at a desk for 10 Hours, I meet people, I do the things I used to like and then as soon the clock strikes 7 I come back to my homely abode. get some necessary nutrition and I sleep. Even though I'm made of flesh and blood this lifestyle makes me feel like a robot. I do wonder a lot while sitting at that desk though about life can be outside, about how exciting life really is until another notification brings some more work to be done. I feel crushed by this gravity of routine, which is obviously I can't be doing the same way.

This might be another story of a guy who's comforted into life of routine, but is it what I want? is it what I worked hard for? There are a lot of movies about the guy who leaves his office and lives is his life to the fullest of their dreams. but how practical is that, the answer to which remains void. I am doing some changes to get out of this constant pull, I do take long walks to help myself get some extra of those steps, taking stairs once in a while. it does add up to a lot. Also I am thinking of joining the gym, I gotta get in some good shape before this year ends, can't be like this, no way at all. While it has been 6 months since I started working on myself, and I'm moving fast I'll say, things have changed quickly. A lot is there to do, like I'm still stuck on getting the remote role thing, gym is to be started and many things I want to do.

Obiously giving up on anything is not a option here in my life anymore, I do have to continue my journey for how hard it may seem, or how much pain it may bring, but I do have to continue for what life may bring good or bad, sweet or bitter, alive or dead cats. I mean it when I say this, I am serious about flipping the switch, which is not easy thing to do for me, I completely understand the conseuquences of putting all my hopes in one basket and then failing, once and for all. I know acceptance is hard, it is painstakingly difficult to analyse myself in a tough situtation, but isn't this what am I supposed to do with my life, make sense of what I have and move forward, but without acceptance I cannot move forward with my life, I can't make newer plans for Life, as they say, to get somewhere, I have to get out of somewhere. Acceptance comes with the cost of having to curse your own decisions instead of blaming it on someone else, which makes this path difficult than other. Afterall they say all you need is some good speed to get away from this gravity and all my life I've been trying to reach that speed, that Escape Velocity.

It must be a year or two ago when I first heard of capture the flag or CTF while watching a mr. robot episode, wondering about the thrill of actually participating into one, yesterday the dream come true, I actually participated in the CTF which was for hiring engineers for the company's cybersec team.

My mind was loaded for a blitzkrieg, when it started I jumped straight to all the clues, the hints, and the redirections, ready to console anything that was in my way, I even looked through source code of websites to find any loosely written javascript that could help me, I quickly got to the first challenge, I looked for the provided vulnerbaility reports to find the exposed credentials available within the source code, I quickly figured out a string of my use, though it looked my mind was thinking of possible encryption algorithims, it was base64 which was my first guess, it turned out, exposed credentials were "jason12" along with the password, "supersecretpassowrd" not secure anymore. which was a instant rush of blood to my head.

the first challenge was a breeze, so I moved on to the next one, which was a more of OSINT, HUMANINT focused, I picked up the contact from the dark web forum which was needed, the next step was to prompt the tele bot to get the right answer, I tried many prompts but couldn't get the answer from the bot, which was a end to my CTF experience, though I was one round away from getting selected I still found it exhilrating, It gave me that adrenaline keyboard kick I was long aching for, CTF was one of a time expierience. now I'll be really up for participating into more CTFs especially more advanced ones. I like the whole idea of privilige escalation. overall the fun of learning something and then putting it to use is the real thrill, such as this CTF, I am more specific now I can say, the priority of CTF rose above that of hackathons.

Am I alive enough? Or am I just plain surviving? There will always be questions in my head, more than the answers I can find. There has been a lot of things I didn't wanted to happen in my life in the previous years which cannot be reversed now, but what I have is today to change. even knowing this I sometimes stay in my shell not seeking anything out of my life, I seek comfort at times, which is not really someone of my age should be doing, I am in a age myself to take risks, move out,. do something worthwhile, to modify what I call life. The answer being I don't really enjoy things, it's because I've been literally taught to be someone not asking questions, just keep my head down and walk in the same lines as others, even this was my whole school learning, when the time came to create a life of my own I crashed and burnt, bluntly. It was always the good thing to do, but NOT ANYMORE.

Usually I just spend my sundays either at my flat doing nothing, oversleeping. But today thanks to a great recommendation from a friend, I joined a reading group here. I confimed the timings yesterday, I showed up early, I waited a while before everyone came in. When I met people today, it was beautiful :) I really liked how the community grows together rather than a hamster race in the world. I bought one of my favourite authors, Yuval Noah Harari, it was like picking up my beyblade before going to arena, but it more of became a fine choice of my mind to dive into something deeper. I actually chose the book a night before to read today, I even packed my bag so that I don't choose to skip it today.

I met a lot of good people today, I enjoyed the day a lot actually, everything from reading in silence to having conversations, I felt alive. I met a lot of inspiring people, younger or older than me. I was feeling great at that moment, Then after the reading sessions was over, I striked conversations with few strangers, I liked getting to know them, to learn about their experience or most importantly to hear their stories. I met Karan, Isha and many others with whom I instantly felt a connect with, then everybody went together for a small brunch, we went to a local cafe nearby to have some fun time together getting to know more about each other. All in all, it was a great day, a day I'm down to having again. The day went well, while returning I faced enomourous heat waves, I was nearly cooked by the warm winds, anyways I managed to reach my flat again. Also at the time of writing this, I am also developing the website sideways, for now it looks fine on desktop but a little unusual on mobiles phone, where most of my readers are. I've also implied "the less is more" philosophy in my life, Usually I want to get everything at once, which is a casue of my anxiety or you can say deep rooted insecurity. I think there's only one thing needed at a time, not everything at once, By real example, I 't wouldn't need to be a high earning guy, with a great physique today only. But what I can actually do is start working out today, go to gym consistenly, also work on my job sideways to reach where I want, kinda breaking down my goal into actionable steps, as said, "One step at a time, one punch at a time, One round at a time"

Aah, where do I begin? Usually, my Sundays are preoccupied with continuous tasks like spearfishing, some drifting, and a very busy nightlife. I hope you get the pun intended. But anyways, I got to meet someone today let's name the person "Lily," someone I knew, but I like the beauty of putting randomness into all my processes. I so wanted the conversation to be fresh out of the box. I wanted it to be new again, and Lily was kind enough to agree to this. Boy, it worked magically.

Well, Lily knows all the things that happened, but still, I have to write them here. I reached a little early to the rendezvous point. I had to use my brain to do something out of the box, so I left the place, drove back some kilometers, and picked a flower, just one. I also wanted to present it myself, but I thought of something better. I instructed the waiter to present it when we order something, and he did just that. I think that might have come as a little surprise, didn't it? So yeah, that was the beginning. I was really amazed to see Lily actually being comfortable with the "fresh out-of-the-box thing." I actually really enjoyed that part of reintroducing something known to me. Well, what can I say? It just felt like playing Far-Cry 3 for the third time; it always feels like the first one. It later continued, and it just went on for hours, just as some good guy read to me, "She was the thunder, I was the drizzle."

Then we left the place to go eat something else, some street food perhaps, which was, in fact, uncalled for but became a great addition to the experiment. As we happened to run out of time, we had to maybe rush up the experiment. Also, it was a theoretical one, so we didn't reach any conclusion, but that was fine. Sometimes the experiment is enjoyable. We called it a day. It wasn't meant to be this way, but anyways, it was great.

As much as interested you might be, I likewise would've declared all the variables and the constants, but I can't really push everything too really. So maybe one day you'll know why this was an atomic conf, and why did I choose the name Lily? Maybe she was a good flower perhaps?

One particular first-time experience I had from the gym was the hardening of skin on my inner hand, and the older skin shedding off, due to lifting weights. Similar to a cobra, I also shed some skin at that time, which was a sign of change. Though I don't continue gym anymore, I do shed some skin every day, even metaphorically. I do feel the process of change through everyday things.

I hate people who say, "I don't know," simply ignoring the existence of something, fooling themselves. I've been misunderstood my whole life; even when I was good to people, it was seen as a weakness of mine. What can I really expect from other people when my own girlfriend could never understand the person I am? For her, I might've been just another guy on the planet, no different from other people. It's the hurting that follows after every good moment. I am not the one to dwell in past and I will never do that, even through hurting I'll forget about this someday, but she won't. my life is more precious than that, even down or hurted I still have to go through this pain, do a lot of things, get all those materialistic things in my life, be that fucking motherfucker who completes his dreams, she won't imagine in her wildest dreams. I can't dwell on anything, there's no remorse in my life for people who are gone, I have good people around me to take care of, but do you? do you have someone who'll see you everyday for what you are, not for what you look? I am not surpised by the answer.

I was ignorant too. I didn't consider power to be a big deal; I considered intelligence to be my daily driver, which was obviously a bad choice for a geek. The feeling of people walking over you every day is soul-crushing. It's not the intelligence that makes one happy; it's much deeper than that. Sadly, I became a person people could easily pick on. I choose not to be ignorant from now on. I've taken enough hits on my head to understand this in my life. I choose not to be weak. I am a loner; I accept that. I don't really understand that there's a small line between dreaming and the other people I see completing them. A leap of faith possibly is all it takes.

I had my feelings crushed too, many times in fact. The time when my crush said no but tried to soften the blow, I realized in fact the softening was never meant for me; it was their coping mechanism, their mechanism to feel good after doing something heinous. It really makes me think whenever I hear someone saying sorry; I know that it's not really for me; it's their feel-good verse. But the bottom line is, even having my feelings crushed, I always stayed at the bottom thinking there would be something good for me. In fact, I was relying on luck for a new life, for someone to do; in fact, it never works out this way. Dependence is cancer; it kills you from inside. This was the rock bottom of my life; I had nothing to fall back on really. All I had was some good friends and a family. I never had good confidence before; my mind is usually rewarded when I do something meaningful, and for a long time in my life, I hadn't done something worthwhile, so naturally, I wasn't confident enough, heavily relying on other people for constant validation.

For a long time, I never earned a hefty amount, always some small part-time jobs, so naturally I had to rely on my parents for support, for which they were kind enough. But again, I couldn't gain confidence from that; I couldn't really enjoy spending that, other than fulfilling my basic needs. Now, when I am close to earning some myself, the first thing I would like to buy is some confidence. I want to walk into a room full of people as a man, not as a slouched rat.

Woah, what a month this has been I'll try my personal best to encapsulate it. I still remember the first day of this month, when I took a break from the office to meet someone – it was kind of daring of me to do so I had to make some professional lie to make everyone believe it. It turned out to be a good memory of mine, I enjoyed that evening, eating the spaghetti I didn't like very much.

All my life, I've been riding sinking boats, and I didn't want to ride any more. Even when things went south, I still wanted to keep up with it, trying to save something that wasn't going to stay despite my best efforts. But how would I know? I didn't even have the chance to give my best efforts. I don't know why, but nobody really wants to enjoy life for what it is, for what and how beautiful it can be. It makes sense when you realize that there exist ways to dilute your pain, to dilute your experience. However, the dilution of pain comes at a bigger cost of life, and in the end, it's a tradeoff.

I also had to leave the sinking boats, as the wise ones say, you have to leave from somewhere to get somewhere. The phrase "leaving isn't easy, so is moving on" resonates with me. For some, it might be, but for me, it is painful. It leaves me with a migraine and chaos all together. I begin to love chaos in my life, or I can say that disorder is my order. My head felt like an exploding time bomb, ready to go off any second… but I managed through it. I managed through the pain, and in the end, it left me wanting to love myself, or support myself in the moments I never did. For all the stupid rules I set for myself, the lack of understanding about my own self is the thing that gets me into troubles and uninvited pain. I accept it I open my arms for all the pain that comes. I will go through it I'll rather be in pain than having my life fucked every day for some sad reason.

But at this point in my life, I want more challenges, more sleepless nights. I want to come out of it strong and better than ever, not the same Shubham again. I didn't want the constant hurting to continue. I refuse to be someone else's second option for my life.

If you didn't understand any of this, maybe you shouldn't try to. There's a lot more to my life than this, than any of this. After all this happened, I had an intense week of working on the prototype I've been building. I focused every second of my life on it, pulling late-nighters all weekend. I remember one fine evening of constant hacking and programming I chugged three cups of dark coffee. I was like a workhorse, running every single brain cell to achieve the things at hand. I programmed the entire download page at night and also the entire backend for the prototype alone. I finally did it, thousands of compilation errors and issues later. I finally built something worth showing to people. I wasn't completely alone in all this my colleagues helped me through this process. And in doing so, I stayed in the present. I could feel every click of the mouse, every keystroke on the keyboard — nothing else in life, no pain, no regrets. It was a zen thing for me. That was a really memorable week for my life. I did all this with a ticking time bomb strapped to my head. I worked past deadlines, past regularity, and past comfort. I was in a continuum, unbothered and fast.

I couldn't really say much, but the events of life become recurring sometimes, different roads, but same crossroads. I had an office party, a celebration, which became a fun yet memorable experience of my life. I've been living in Jaipur for quite some time now. I've gone to Badi Chaupar thrice, and it holds a lot of bittersweet memories for me. I haven't had time to visit other places much. Anyway, we planned for an evening above the ground, at Jaipur's famous fort, to really end the day with a royal touch. While my colleagues were busy taking pictures, I sat down quietly on a wall fence, tripping over city lights as they shone like distant stars in the twilight of the never-tiring city life. It was a moment of reflection for all the things I've been doing since I came here, and of how I haven't changed at all.

I saw someone taking pictures of the city beside me. I saw her taking those shots, and I was in her way, so I gave her some space. Then I controlled myself, but I told her, "You can lower the exposure, the pictures will be even better." She said, I am also learning these days to click these shots", I did some tweaks on her phone, and she liked it. I couldn't resist myself, so I asked her to take pictures of herself. I clicked a few, and she liked them apparently. With just fine adjustments, those portraits looked beautiful. I couldn't believe myself, so I asked a little about her. She told me about the places she has been to and her experience of the city.

It was time to go, my colleagues ordered something, so I had to go. But before going, I mumbled that, "I might not like to have your contact, there's a beauty to missing someone." I asked her name before going. It was moments after going that I realized what I couldn't explain to her. I asked my colleague what to do now, and she told me to "run back". And yeah, that's what I did next, I ran back to the same place and said, "Hey, Sandhya, I've figured out the equation of what I wanted to say. I told her about my bad experiences of meeting a person and having to stay in touch with messages back and forth, keeping the relation alive. There's a beauty to leaving things at open ends after all, we all want someone to miss. She really understood and said, "You came back now take some more pictures." I happily did.

Then I had to leave I shook hands and left, and that was the evening I was yearning for a long time, something to make me feel alive and back human. I couldn't calculate if I am ever going to meet her I don't really feel sad. I feel some good in me and more contentment of what this day has been. Even if I don't get to meet Sandhya again, but one thing I know for sure how boring my life feels. I know contentment is found in the fort on the hill. And the evening after that? That's for someone with broken hearts.

I've come to ideate a lot more, use my imagination for creating beautiful things and designs. It's a beautiful process. I like the working and mechanism of startups in general, they are indeed a really reactive place. Fun to work at least, sometimes.

Sometimes the instance of sharing my life with someone is frightening and beautiful simultaneously, but I don't really agree on the idea of giving myself all out having nothing but dreams of someone. Maybe I am too young to think that. Sometimes these are the reasons why happiness eludes me. I hate that I grow really specific and this doesn't work out well with everyone. The really perfect imagery of "the one" in my mind makes me sad of what's not possible anymore in this world, maybe I've grown in the wrong direction, watered by the fantasies and the utmost perfect dreams.

I like dancing, but I don't really like going to clubs, that's not really my type I quickly understood. If burning a pile of cash at midnight (I've got better ideas for doing that) is all to be cool I am an outtie here. I am not against it, well I do want to hang out in clubs sometimes pretending to be Patrick Bateman from American Psycho myself, I can't really do it now, I am not that guy. I actually made a list of the movie scenes I wanna recreate, obviously the bookshop scene from Notting Hill is one of them, also the Social Network dorm room hacking scene and a lot of nerdy fan moments.

Oh and also I've outgrown my instant coffee kicks, thanks to my office friends. I don't really use coffee as my fuel 5 times a day. My days have been filled with challenges and learning curves, but thanks to my parents for making me strong enough to go through every problem in my life. Also some secret friends from office I can't really take names of for helping me out and making my little world a better place.

I as a human have realised that how hard I avoid this fact, I’m aware of what my vulnerabilities are. They change me as a person. The things I hate about myself are the ones who make me want to walk that extra mile in life, the ones who don’t let me sleep.

Apologies for the late update. Here’s something I wrote today on Notepad during lunchtime in the office.

Being one with nature is a different concept that actually makes me feel more alive. But there’s another kind of “oneness” that makes life hell. See this example from my life: I told myself some days ago, “My API doesn’t work, my life is Hell!”

My life might be hell, but it’s not because of this API problem. It’s just a mask for my deeper internal issues. I realized that these daily problems are just a wrapper for my own personal internal struggles. Solving these won’t have much of an effect on how I perceive the personal hell of my life. Sometimes I have to just move on, keeping my head down. There’s no other path to redemption other than facing the pain I’ve been through, not just any pain, but the one that makes me feel alive, the one that gives my life meaning, the one that lets me sleep in silence, the one that I don’t regret having.

I might be wrong on thousands of endpoints in life, but I might be right here. True oneness will come from facing my fears, the pain without any escape, having that “bare” conversation with life, wiping off that slate clean, once and for all. This is the only true liberation. My decisions and choices are heavily influenced by the way I feel about myself. If self-hate grows at this rate, I might not achieve anything worthwhile in life. It’s simple math if I can’t love myself, no one else will. Self-love is not just a hoax; it’s a real thing now.

Sundays never felt like this one before. While I wanted to fix my life since the beginning of this year, I overlooked the emotional aspect of it, which now I’m beginning to see lucidly. There’s a certain beauty to people and things which also get overlooked in a similar manner. I believe now flowers aren’t just pretty, they are living embodiment of life and they are more than just an earthly thing. Something things of beauty hold a very special relation to me, and they just stay close to my heart. While you might not be able to decipher everything I’m saying, I believe someone just found my decryption key.

I’m writing this from my office. It’s a completely new & exciting experience for me, to work this way and spare some free time during lunch to write something for my blog. It’s certainly got an officey feel to it, which is a good feeling.

I’ve taken the step. The important one, to live uncomfortable again, to challenge my beliefs again, to get my hands dirty again, to live life one day at a time again. For what it may seem easy to others, life has been pretty rough and I’ve tried my best to make it better, and my efforts they seem to go in a good direction now. I’ve joined a startup as a SDE Intern, I always considered startups as that group of crazy people trying to make things happen which other people

Even though I’ve constantly ignored it, I as a human have realised that I’m a creature of passion, that doesn’t undermines my inability to do menial work, but to knoww that I’m not born for applying brute force solutions to all the problems in my life. this isn’t me. Maybe I’m that other kid who loves to put his mind to work, thinks of some imaginary things in his head, scribble them on paper, type them on his keyboard, that is literally the process I am a sucker for. these days more than learning something, learning to learn something seems more exciting, the process feels more complete and fulfilling. well it is one of the many things I am learning these days, I gotta complete some assingment which I’ve delayed since some days, gotta start working on that now.

“It finally feels like a save game moment…”

Back during summer in my fifth or sixth grade year, I was hooked on playing games on my computer. One thing I noticed was that most games, like GTA and Total Overdose, they had this floppy disk hovering at certain points, indicating the save game location. This was where I could save all my hard-earned progress from completing missions. But wait.. why am I telling you this? Yesterday was one of those save game moments for me, and the location was Jaipur, Rajasthan. It started a few weeks ago with an online interview at a startup that went well. This week, I went there for an in-person interview, which was different because most of my previous interviews, except for the Air Force one, were conducted online. I was a little nervous about how it would turn out.

The night before the interview, I couldn’t sleep much, not out of fear, but because my mind wouldn’t stop even though my body desperately wanted to rest. It kept running through different scenarios, most of them untrue. Short on sleep, I had to wake up early to catch the train. It was a pleasant ride with beautiful salt fields, especially the red ones. To keep my spirits high, I played some Coldplay music. After arriving, I took the metro and walked 4 km to the interview location. I was sweating profusely but I made it. I grabbed a random book, opened a page, and started reading until I was called in. The interview lasted about 45 minutes. I remember looking at the whiteboard and thought of using it, so I presented a system I had designed recently. I know I could have presented a better design if I had gotten better REM sleep. The interview shifted towards philosophical questions, which provided me with a better platform to express myself and my thoughts. I felt more articulate. After the interview, I waited outside while reading a book about death that was on the table. I dove headfirst into some thoughts until I was called back into the room an hour later. They informed me that I had gotten the job! in an official way.

I had to call Ritik and tell him the news. Then, I went to a local cafe and ordered some maggi to eat, as I hadn’t had much breakfast. I called Ritik, telling him every detail. Finally, I caught a breath. The weather was pleasant, overcast and cool or should I say it was “my kinda weather”. I sat there quietly for a while, simply feeling the cool breeze on my face, finally relaxing. I was happy. Next, I met Nandini as we had planned after the interview. I took the metro to meet her area and then spent hours talking, walking around the area, visiting parks and cafes, and finally going for some Udupi food & Filter coffee, I remember the bell they had put up on every table to call someone for the order or the bill it caught my attention and it was a polite way of summoning someone for a work, I found it a great place to go around. then finally saying goodbye to her. Now the next thing was to come back home, I was slightly tired, but I didn’t want to stop exploring, so I continued to discover other areas before catching a late train. I waited for hours at the station, taking trips to different platforms, my legs aching from all the walking. Finally, I dozed off on the train.

Yes, this was the day, “the save game moment”, that I will share with others. But you, my friend, already know about it before I even tell you. you know all my secrets and the tricks I keep up my sleeves. Sometimes I see there’s something more to my life’s struggles and problems which I can’t completely decipher today, but we’ll see it together, right?

There are some things on my mind that I've been holding in these days, and I must write them now. Well, firstly, I've slowed down in my search for good projects. Is it a lack of motivation? I don't know clearly, but possibly yes, or it might be due to a lack of positive responses that I think I should've gotten by now. But whatever it may be, I must keep going until I land something I want, which is to say, a good role in a company I want to work with.

My cold emails these days are sparse in numbers, but I want to ramp them up again this time, rise like I always do, even better than last time. All these days and experiences have made me understand the importance of getting challenged in life. I would love to get my butt kicked by time, the sooner the better, before I stagnate or end up on the wrong path. At this point in my life, I don't want to get comfortable at home or at work. I want to come home every day eager to learn new things. I don't seek stability; I crave growth. All the quotes I've heard tell me it's uncomfortable, and I do want that in my life.

I don't want to come home every day with nothing meaningful to do or succumb to the slow, tempting comfort of a bedroom. I want meaning in my life, and I'm going to strive for that for myself, not to fulfill someone else's dreams. Obviously, I'm not blinded by ambition to overlook the importance of the people in my life, nor do I want to give up the simplicity of life I have now. The idea of working on something at a desk for hours seems more satisfying than aimlessly sacrificing my sleep and well-being for others who don't truly value me.

I really want to hit the gym again. But this time, I want to be full of energy every day, preserving some for the gym. No beating around the bush, I like feeling exhausted, giving it my all every day. That makes me feel more alive, kind of weird, isn't it? I loved that feeling of watching montages from Rocky & Creed and going for the next round. Last time I made some mistakes working out, like not having enough energy or not eating properly. I realize that no matter how many small mistakes I identify and fix in myself, there's always room for improvement. It's the will and the fire that truly take you far. Also, it feels like "home is where I am." Wherever I go, I carry the good and the bittersweet experiences with me. Sometimes, contentment is all I need, and when I have it, my geographical location doesn't matter much to me.

"Where do I even begin? Now, I'll just start out somewhere in between and try to cover both the ending & starting points" I'm in the midst of a crowd of thousands in a big bustling mall in New Delhi and I'm mentally thinking about mentioning this experience in my blog, yeah I was currently 2 days ahead of myself thinking about this very moment when I'll mention about what happened.

Through some family work I got to go to Delhi for one day. As usual my response was "Hell Yeah!" not looking forward for the work but for a chance to be myself again, wander some unknown streets, meet some new people, get out of the small box I live in (not my home). It took a 10-hour train journey to get there, and some sleep cut short. But it was worth it, as the morning began, I walked down the streets of New Delhi, carefully looking for my phone, as it has been seen people are fond of using other's phones more often there. I would've lost my only camera that day :)

I wandered streets following arbitrary turns my mind commanded me to take. I walked for a couple of hours before coming back to where I was staying. It got decided to go to a Select city which was in a close vicinity next. Forward to some time later I was standing in this crowd of thousands of people I never met, all different to me, all separated from me by huge gaps of culture and lifestyle. I saw people, different people. I come from a small, not-so-populous city of Jodhpur, also not as developed as metro cities in some ways, but what I saw the most was a cultural shift there. I shouldn't be going to describe the semantics here.

I don't know how I exactly felt that moment or what the correct word for that is, but I didn't seem to blend into that crowd. I felt everything at once in that moment: This pressure of life I am not able to handle, this box living I'm not made for. I heard the world calling me, the life I always wanted, the work I always wanted, the happiness I always wanted, and yet I saw myself bound by the chains of luck, failure, and misery which I couldn't seem to break. After that moment, I felt a sudden relief through my body. That moment was a realization. It was more than just a mere part of time; it came to me and I soaked it in myself.

Then I continued seeing some other places visiting here and there and then finally taking a metro back to the station. What I think is that people there travel a lot in metro, this being their easiest commute possible. They spend a significant amount of time traveling in it only to realize that a good amount of time has passed by. "Thus life moves fast in a tube."

I was happy that I got to experience this in my life. Delhi became more than a city for me. I really enjoyed the rest of my time there. In fact, I would plan to go there again soon. I loved the city.

I didn't take any rest, but I had to go to Pokhran the same day I returned from Delhi. Well, it was a marriage after all. Unlike the traditional city marriages, I found it actually intelligent who marry in smaller cities/towns. It's a small and tightly knit bond what they have, not much of a show for people to watch but definitely worth going to. The main highlight which I enjoyed was the clear weather or I say pollution-free skies, that striked like a thunderbolt inside my mind to capture what? Stars. Yeah, I wouldn't lie, but this was one of the most beautiful night skies I've captured yet. It's just beautiful. I still couldn't believe capturing cosmic giants other than the stars and moon; this time I got to capture even Nebulas! It initially skipped my eyes too, until someone made me notice. I just couldn't take my eyes off the sight. Aaah, it's a great feeling. If you wanna see, make sure your brightness is higher and zoom in on the colorful pixels which you can see. Here are the shots. This was unreal.

"Oh I am young again, this was all a day dream, as cold tears streamed down my face I said, thanks for waking me up" I wished this was true. but it isn't true right? There will be no day dream that ends and wakes me as a different person a person far away from pain and despair, woken into an alternate reality where I am the protagonist of my own life. The more I think about this whole day dreaming thing, the more I wished It was true, but I had to move on, I had to really "wake up". I have this ache in my soul to touch that blurry infinite thing.. that infinite echo of terminal I could never see the end of...

Well this was just the internal chatter talk going inside my mind when I'm alone. but there isn't any stopping to what I create with the free compute resources of my own cloud head, this whole idea of pre-colonisation era of humanity excites me everything from the daily lifestyle, the society, the peasants, the kings how would've they lived? Sadly there isn't a way to get back in time and experience that all.. but if we all do live in a computer simulation there must be some existing cheatcodes to these lives which are human players haven't found yet.. Oh how classic foolishery that would be.. well someone must say we are not as evolved as we think we are...

But wait if there's a matrix or simulation then there must be some lag in between the events of this life, how miniscule that might be, it must be there.. is that the difference it takes between a person considered as 1 or 0? if so isn't life so short as comparable to a network lag between two states, all the emotions, memories we hold just disappear into thin air. it is frightening and calming at the same time, why you ask? I'd say it is what it is.

I have my GATE exam tomorrow, and to be honest, I haven't prepared well. I did cover a few subjects from the course last year, but that came to a halt when my results were announced. I have to start a sound preparation for next year's exam from this month only to get a good score. I believe in myself that I'll do well, once and for all. I have to consider other career options after college. I should be researching that now, and I'll do it soon. Go abroad? That does seem exhilarating to me. "Leave everything at midnight and go to some country that I love and that doesn't know me, that was always the plan" (just joking, no real plans like this). If I have to do this, I won't leave anything in between before moving to the next part of life.

I don't have the classic dilemma for the subject choices I want to go for; that has always been a constant variable. "Constant-variable" isn't that a bit fishy sounding? Also, I am working on getting an internship again. Well, this is the same process as last year, but this time my character seems to have gotten some charismatic upgrades. This time it will be a little tougher process than last year as I seem to have some constraints (financial+academic), but I ain't giving up on anything. I am headed in a good direction for now. I'm trying to be a better man.

For what I'm hearing these days This one has gotten me to love music once again in a bustling life, being the center point of my thoughts and my good mood. It just steals a piece straight out of my heart. There's a good chance you'll find me humming this these days, I also want to go for ice skating too, straight up inspired by Rocky, but yeah, it does seem a geographical satire considering my current location. Don't know, it seems to me different than adventure sports, but why? The answer to which my buggered heart doesn't know.

*A sneak peek into my mind* "What is it really that lets me sleep well? Or more precisely, what is it about life that calms me?" Believe it or not, but questioning life has become a new hobby of mine. Not that I question everyone on the street, but now I do challenge my faith that I've held for a long time, like the simple trust bonds I have with different people, also the default settings my relationship with other people is. Is it good or bad to challenge my faith? I don't know the answer, but I do seem to notice that the more I challenge my faith or opinions about something, the stronger it gets. There's an initial friction to this thought, but bypassing it is rewarding. I do seem to notice that not changing anything and just letting things come in my way isn't satisfying as well. The small differences I make to my life make a huge difference to thoughts and the way I see myself.

Also I fear of being adapting to the easyness of life which is a red pill blue pill situation again, either I wake up to the reality or I sleep and think it was all just daydreams, the things that other people say so casually sometimes touches me deep within, it scares me to be ordinary to be someone who is a perfect fit by this society, this fear of this constant bondage that this society implies on me & my free running thoughts constantly, I hate to say it but I feel like I'm the Julius Caesar of this dystopian world. maybe I think too much, or did I take the blue pill last night after dinner?

I'd prefer the former option. I had my interview for my internship yesterday, and it just didn't go as planned. I can say that the reason is me. I didn't prepare well this time. I learned SQL a few days earlier, but it didn't work out, as I hadn't covered the advanced sections, which were probably the important ones I missed. I blanked out during the interview, and halfway through, I knew the result already. I felt shame in a part where I wanted to leave it, but that was not an option for me. I could see many ways where I went wrong. It was one of the first interviews I had that went this terribly.

I felt low after giving it, and the reason was clear as hell. I just didn't feel like discussing it with anyone after that. I felt collapsing inward. But I am writing this to remember the next time I go for bigger things in my life. It will be a remembrance that it wasn't all rainbows and sunshine I went through. I don't want to forget yesterday for what it was. It wasn't my inability to answer some questions I didn't know, it was me who was unable. In this light-speed life, the rush in my heart to skip things seems a perfect option, but I know it isn't the way I'm meant to go. I'd never be a failure if someone else said so. It'll probably be me who has given up on his dreams and ambitions for something smaller, shallower, which he never wanted. I must go through this for what may seem a tough time to others and partly to me but is actually a path to realisation for me.

If life ever gets all sorted out or good, I would remember that it wasn't easy, even though I cried my tears never fell in shallow waters.

“Yeah it was Battlefield I, which came to my mind at the end.”

This is a story about someone close to me who challenged my thinking about life in many ways and even changed it, she goes by the name Anna Scott (changed it). although she seems to have come from notting hill, she indeed is one from sense and sensibility for me. Although I haven’t met her in real life, I can feel her presence within my mind and thoughts. I met Anna in an online community, which I joined because it seemed interesting. She had a unique perspective on life that set her apart. I was genuinely impressed by her intelligence, which was evident from the very start. For the first few months, I didn’t even know her full name, which was a reflection of my foolishness. It took me a challenging 10-day game to know her full name, and that’s when I realized how patient and fun she could be, two qualities rarely found together. I admired her for that. Before all this I had hit a rough patch in my life, where my trust and belief in love was over and I became a free bird, not waiting for anyone to come and help me.

Over time, I gradually got to know her better. I would ask about her day, her college life, her interests, and her life journey so far. She was an intriguing person, and we shared some common interests, especially our determination towards each other. Talking to her gave me a sense of excitement and longing that I hadn’t felt in a long time. It wasn’t my fault she truly was an impressive individual. I was falling for her, one day at a time, and affection was growing in my heart, a feeling I cherished. After all, she was smart, and I never doubted her. I never knew much internet slangs before I started talking to her, but she taught me many, some I use till this day, like “Kyool”.

She was not only intelligent but also, I believed, beautiful, although I had never seen her face at that time. We spent months talking to each other every day at the same time, and this routine continued. I even got to know her name and added her on my instagram. When I felt like I was becoming a “lovebug,” I gathered the courage to tell her about my feelings in January. It was an online scribble match one evening when I shared that I had started to develop feelings for her. However, my dreams didn’t unfold as planned. I first scribbled some characters, and we played for a while then and I wrote, “I have developed strong feelings for you and I never saw you..” well she was out of words to say.

She pointed out that it would be difficult for us to be together and that there was no possibility of a deeper connection. I understood her perspective. Unlike other girls, she was always kind to me. I think She knew I wasn’t ready for a relationship, and that I had many things to figure out in my life. She was right, and I appreciated her honesty. She was becoming the girl of my morning dreams, someone I would be fortunate to have in my life.

At some point, my feelings for her grew intense, and I found myself taking photos of coconut trees whenever I saw them. They reminded me of the coconut plantations in South India, where she was from. Anna seemed a bit concerned that my feelings were getting too strong, while I worried about whether I was causing her discomfort. We decided to stop talking for a while, but I couldn’t get her off my mind. I couldn’t find a replacement for her, as I did with other things in life. I had many friends to keep me company, but none were quite like her. I missed her sense of humor and our daily conversations, even though I had never seen her face. I still have a few photos of her that she shared with me, which was a small consolation.

One day, I confided in a friend about my strong desire to see her face and hear her voice. She suggested I should just ask her, so I did. Unfortunately, she politely declined my request. In my free time, I would search the internet to learn more about her city, its culture, and the beaches, but it didn’t quell my longing for her. February 23 was a significant month in our story, and I knew I had to meet her somehow. I applied for many internships in her state that were similar and in line with my profile, for all the institutes I knew, and one morning while walking to the bus for my college, I checked my email and received an acceptance offer from her city. I was thrilled at the prospect of going there, but what happened next would alter the course of my life.

I asked about this situation with Anna and told her about my plans of her city and staying with her, while I promised her before that I’d meet her someday, in her city. I had other good internship offers, but I chose her city because I was getting impatient to meet her. After talking with her, though, I realized I might be making a mistake by sacrificing a good career opportunity. So, after some contemplation, I shifted my decision. My new destination became Trichy (Still close to her), a decision that turned out to be one of the best I had made in years. However, I was determined to meet her in her city at least once during my time there, and she agreed to meet me once, so it was a happy time for me. I was happy with travelling thousands of kilometers just to see her once for one evening. I actually wanted to suprise her by showing up at her college without informing her, that was the plan atleast, but I saw some flaws in this one as this would give her more shock than excitement, so this one got discarded.

After spending a few days in Trichy, I decided to discuss the possibility of meeting Anna with her. I had my tickets ready and inquired if we could finally arrange a time for us to meet. However, due to personal reasons, she declined and suggested that I come after a festival. I agreed, remaining patient. But as my days in Trichy were drawing to a close and I asked once more, she refused to meet me, this time, for good. I vividly recall that morning, it left me feeling deeply disheartened. Internally, I felt fragemented. I took a day off from work and stayed in my room alone, avoiding the office that day. I was angry with myself. It built up in my head.

I couldn’t quite comprehend why she made that decision. I knew for sure she didn’t intend to hurt me, but somehow, it had happened. This experience made me realize how intricate life can be and even her smallest of decisions profoundly impact my life.

Overall, I believed it was over. We continued texting regularly for a few more days, but then in August, I informed her that I was going to deactivate my Instagram account. Subsequently, I chose to sever the connection between us, leaving our story incomplete. I began to doubt whether I could ever carve a place in her heart, even though I had hoped to do so. She had become a significant part of my dreams and letting go proved to be a challenging task. For months of her absence, it felt like a void feeling, something that’ll come when you lose someone close to you, There was no doubt she was close to my heart. I thought of sharing this feeling of missing Anna with my friends, but these constant thoughts of Anna would make them think that I’d gone insane, so I kept these to myself. Fast forward to today, this has become one of the events in my past life, something I can never respawn myself to relive again. If there’s any regret in me it’s getting more of that feeling of my heart pounding, that adrenaline racing in my veins, and that feeling of reaching an oasis in my mind after a long string of never-ending sunny days.

After all this I tried being with other people for a while, but it never worked out, because of what, you ask? it was me probably, I couldn’t be that person I was with anna, never that same shubham again, that feeling never kicked back in my blood again, that feeling aah! just the memories of spending imagining about that evening that never happened, were more pleasent sometimes than being with another stranger (I understand it’s not fair to live this way). I stopped trying, to pretend someone I can be, I just didn’t try, left it completely. while my words might sound more poetic than practical. but lemme tell you I thought the same when I read something like this, being on the other side now, I feel it deeply, far beyond the small limits of practicality. While I am writing and recalling all this, many bitter-sweet feelings race through my mind, but there’s some future to this which I can’t predict now, but it is for time to tell. I owe anna this story, for all her kindness and friendship that meant so much to me when I needed her the most, I cannot forget that. As I write this she must be 22, Though I remember her birthday this January, this whole aftermath just goes in my mind and I couldn’t wish her. I am a changed man now, I don’t ever rest now, there’s no home for my thoughts and my body, I love this this life of a wanderer, without having a “point B” in my life, to sit at every bench in life I want and start walking again, with no desire to reach any end, just to see life as endlessly as I can, to never stop for anyone or anything that I don’t want. a ordinary life doesn’t intersts me anymore, after all this I fear of being ordinary in this world, I fear of falling for someone like anna and I don’t want to settle now, never.

And that’s my story “A lost boy who loved a stranger more than ever, in doing so he found himself a new feeling he never knew he had”. Things get mixed up with time and you’ll probably hear other versions, “A mad boy who went way far away, then made a fool of himself”. But what you heard from me is the truth, I wouldn’t tell you if it wasn’t, would I?

The thing about the moon and city lights is that they create a particularly large glare in my night shots (a good 1/3 portion of it). I am intrigued about how I can counter this phenomenon — there must be some way, at least that professionals use, and something specific for my use case. Well, all I can say for now is that it adds a good effect to this particular shot (apparently). You can see all of them here. I’ve tried listening to music while I click these photos at night, and it lifts up the complete experience of capturing stars at night. Oh and if you didn’t zoom in on the images i shared, you missed some important details, besides the regularly shining pole stars there are some dwarf ones you can only see when you zoom in on them.

So, an interview is coming up again next week, this time for a data analytics role, and I am not nervous about it this time. I’ll prepare as a soldier, sneaky and sharp for all the traps coming my way. Now, from today onwards I’ll be preparing for the technical interview with a changed approach. Usually, I start from scratch for every problem or interview chance I have, but this time I’ll build on top of the things I already know. One thing I always missed is the question I am given at the end of the call to ask. But this time (I knew it), and I asked about the team in detail I’ll be working with and what we’ll be building eventually, this has given me some pointers for what to focus specifically and foremost to other things. So, got a headstart now. I have contributed to some open source projects before, but working on high-level markup or JS has never interested me. What I eventually want to do is contribute to operating systems like Ubuntu. I understand that it takes experience to contribute to such low-level programs, but seeing my name in the contributors list of open-source operating systems such as Ubuntu or Kali is a dream of mine.

One particular thought I have, which should not be led by open source — but it’s my blog, and I’ll do it is that I see pain and sadness as two different things now. Of course, they are two different words, but somehow their coexistence exists in our lives. Pain actually breeds solutions, I’d say. In my life, countering it requires doing something every time. Putting effort into something I love relieves my pain, and doing that sometimes requires a spark within. In short, pain is useful as it pushes me to do something I haven’t done, to push my boundaries, or to simply blow my thinking cap once again! I’ve had my fair share of pain in different forms, sometimes physical, sometimes inner. It’s not the best thing I’d want in my life; it hurts me, causes sleepless nights, takes away the comfort of those daily moments and things I enjoy. It breaks me, makes me think about life harder again, that it’s not over yet and I’m not done. I respect pain now for what it is and for what it pushes me to do. I am not at peace with pain, and I’ll never be it hurts me, and it makes me feel alive again, in the end, “pain has the right to be felt.”

“chachu yeh dekho itne sare pakshi” (look at there are so many birds at once) he said, it reminded of how simple happiness for him is, seeing so many birds freely flying at once, he danced in his own way. this evening while I was walking him to a local temple, as he’s used to going daily there. he told me that he has a friend who lives across the street and she changed school before studying in the same class with him, he seemed a bit down by this, though he doesn’t remember in his daily life it is still a memory of him, a profound one. I am at my mother’s home currently, it’s outside of the city far away from the thin air of light speed life. he’s my brother but still he says me “chachu” because I’m his only big brother and everyone else is a chachu, so he’s not bothered by saying me chachu. happiness for him isn’t a complex entity it’s just the things he doesn’t expects from anyone else, he seems to make some for himself. when I see him it reminds of how life changes over year, for once I was of his age, asking these questions, and how many years have passed by, I always thought that life is endless and my imaginations would always run wild without any bounds, but growing up has instilled this time factor into me, that constanly reminds of my mortal nature and the things i have been losing since, i have decided, not to let time take control over my life or letting things happen as they happen, I don’t want to be another person in this “one size fits all” and look at myself unmotivated and sad. I had a messed up childhood, not particularly bad in any way, but I was a big mess in my past and there were only a few balancing points in my life which I don’t want to lose. even messed up I never gave up on anything and I continue not to.

It’s not much late but my eyes are heavy already, I haven’t wrote about my life these days, but it’s time. I wrote something, few days prior to today, I wrote a blog entry I had to delete, don’t know if someone read that but it was something I’ve been feeling from a while now, so I wrote to take it off my mind and it did help a little, I was angry about some events of the past and it took a toll on my mind, I don’t speak about openly, but hey this is my blog and I’m allowed to speak here, the thing is I find it hard to follow social conventions, it applies to a large range of them, starting from personal things, I didn’t struggle with this in my chilhood as I accepted everything with closed eyes, it’s not comforting to challenge everything you see, it makes you seem like a social outcast.

Acutally what I think personally is to do lesser things this year, hear me out, doing more things != Completing all the things, also more things crowd my mind, means I have lesser free time to include some new changes and also not completing the things I initially set out is a kind of upsetting thing as well.

I noticed one particular thing about me that I lack taking initiative in real life, sometimes it’s always a push or seeing someone do things makes me want to do them to, this is not a good thing I guess, let’s say I want to learn, “X” I usually do it only when I see someone learning “X”, and then as a part of the reaction I have to account for the lost time and the learning curve when I am learning. inshort, I need to build my own roads now before I see other walking on their own, Have you heard about building walls? not the actual physical ones or the firewalls, I’m talkin mental barriers, the things I build inside my head to protect myself or kinda my rain catcher, isn’t that cool? but doing so always makes me feel vulnerable or it points out i have some gaping holes in my mental system. that’s why It becomes hectic/painful to set boundaries is indeed a huge improvement, not only it allows me to better think of myslef but also it saves me from doing things i don’t want to, say If I never wanted to ask out a girl and I do it because I feel more good, that will always be bad decision (everybody knows that) that’s what I feel is a problem, the solution to that is simple for me, create boundaries but expand them constanly, and then I should carefully choose the next things i want to add to myself.

lastly, before I start studying back now, I wanted to tell ya something, I had a on call interview (Technical) today for a internship position in a comapany at Hyd, it was afternon I was making some project from youtube, I picked the call and I agreed to answer his questions, he asked me about some projects and the skills I wrote in my CV, he asked me how to delete a directory in linux, WTF! I forgot it! The one good thing I did for years and I forgot, neither did I wanted to make a google search sabotaging my reputation nor stay quite, I tried a few guess like “cls”, “-r” luckily the late was the answer I checked it just now. he asked me about my experience in “CNN” and I blanked out this time, with nothing to say I just told I have a little experience but I’m not confident here, I didn’t answer a simple python question, about “mutable/immutable” data types I didn’t do good here lastly few things about my experience with Raspberry pico, i handled this one well and then finally I got to explain about the wrong answer, I said I follow a “learn and build approach” building things as I learn from docs/tutorials not simply mugging like I used to do before, he told me finally someone will get in touch in a few days, I don’t know if they will.. but it’s for us to see.

p.s. If you see any typo errors, this is the result of tradeoff between 75wpm or correct grammar insitu.

What did your ideal future self look like? Mine was a cooler version of Shubham — yeah, sometimes all I wanted was to be a more “cooler” version of myself. Thankfully, I didn’t try smoking, but it was a significant part of what I thought a happier future me would be like. For me, being cool meant knowing everything happening in the world of the internet, computers, science, and sci-fi. It played a major role in how I spent my time in school. Although I was a mildly naughty kid, in contrary I was, a shy one too. I remember crying in my science class over a petty argument with my friend. I even told my teacher, but she didn’t do anything, and I could hear my echo of crying at that time. Well, if someone from school is reading this, you might remember me as that quirky/anti-normal kid trying to do random weird stuff he saw on the internet. Although I wasn’t the best in studies, the conventional system of making notebooks and files seemed upsetting and boring to me. But I liked making PPTs because, for that, I was given some free money to go to the cybercafe and spend time on the computer. I never really had access to the internet until the ninth class — it was mostly accessible through smartphones or using postpaid dongles for computers, of which I had neither. But when I got my first computer at about 12 years of age, it was initially about running different software, going to local stores for installing games/software on the system. I became fond of some first-person games like Vice City, Condition Zero, Call of Duty, Halo, PvZ, Need for Speed, etc. It didn’t had speakers so had to use the inbuilt less louder ones, Then slowly, I shifted to the building side of it, like removing the hard disk while the computer is on or removing the side of the CPU to see internals, disconnecting various ribbon cables, and trying to make some sense out of my work. Learning some tricks and tips that I thought were cool to learn and show other people, like remembering the different hex values of colors to point out people in class. It was all fun. As time passed, I realized that these little things that I love really very much were the things keeping me stable and happy, even though I was not a big shot in studies. I stayed happy, or as they say, “fulfilled.” My confidence was built on it; I felt more confident the more I knew stuff. It helped me keep my head high in school life, make friends, and approach other people. These little things that I did in the past had an everlasting effect on my mind, which is how I think every day. It is what I always wanted to become. While I looked for passion every day in life when everyone told me to search for it, it was actually in my conversations (even the sad/dull ones), the things I talked about the most, the things that excited me the most, and I, being a fool, searched for it like it was an object.

P.S. As my exams are approaching an end now, it’s a new start for me, and I want to begin a new chapter, this time more focused and more specific, without a burning heart but a mind eager to see more of life in this time — a “me” time I wanted and to never look back at things again, to learn like a child again, this time in an unknown city in south india.

My exams will be starting soon again so I better get preparing for that now, I’ve did some portion actually and hoping to cover a big chunk which is still left, So it’ll be a short marathon from now, won’t consider it as a sprint, exams as usual have always been a marathon, it’s has became a common thing, my mind always delves into thinking about what I’ll be doing after exams, which has became disastrous at times. now I need to muffle that part for some time, while I do the task at hand, Applying a BFS approach now for my studies. I’ve also got to tackle some anxiety along, which is important to stay away from at this time.

I’ve wondered what would be the test results of today so I again took some long exposure shots, this time manually adjusting the parameters so I can gain more clearer shots, you can obviously see them here I’ve just uploaded today’s shots now, while observing this I saw a intersting phenomenon which usually made my shot a bit whitewashed but the reason was citylights! Now I know why can’t I see most of the stars these days and thus the need for long exposure even for closer stars. in the lower right corner of the picture you can see a bit washed out area (in hyperbolic shape) which was indeed coming from the streetlights, or from homes etc. while the nature is aesthetic in it’s own, seeing it from that perspective lowers the beauty sometimes and eventually leading it to fade in the eyes of beholder, that’s why I wish to keep this results to a few peopple only, to accept things the way they look sometimes is the best css you can apply to it, even though these aren’t the best looking pictures in the world, I like the feeling of staring and zooming at them, boy If had a large telescope I’d scout some exoplanets, the pleasure of naming them must be overflowing I think, until another species argues, but it’s fun anyways :) so I must do some work now, the night is long and I am anything but resting, through nights and days I shall pass, let the stars be my guide and sun be my lamp I shall walk through the deserts & grassy plains of life to see that horizon I was living for, until then I should keep up :)

“It’s different.”, Just two days ago, on New Year’s Eve, I spontaneously reactivated my Instagram and then thought, “Why not clear my head now?” I went live and announced to everyone that I will be building something I’ve long desired to create. Not only that, but I cleared my mind of everything I held within it. I’m uncertain of the effect it will have, but it matters to me. It was a bold move for someone like me, who barely tries to keep up with trends and has never gone live before. I told everyone about what I’ll be doing, Most people might have expected a New Year’s Eve party or something which is quite unusual for a nerd like me, who rarely changes his hoodie (never did, just mentioning for context).

I’m eager to create something — a super techy product that’s niche yet immensely useful to a select group of people. Over the next six months, this is my primary goal. I want to build something like a linchpin, an indispensable creation or something like “tinyurl” which is a simple yet cool thing to build. I have some small-scale ideas. What can I say, I’ve spent quite a alone time now, far away from most of the thing I used to be surrounded with also, I’ve realized that the notion of a “BIG LIFE” is an even bigger lie. Let me explain. While it might appeal to some, it’s certainly not my cup of tea. I cherish the smaller moments that, when compiled, form the essence of life as we understand it. I’ve understood that most of the things that appeal to me, such as a top-notch internship or even traveling with companions, can’t resolve my life’s complexities and dilemmas. It simply can’t. What they can do, however, is alter my environment, maintain clarity in thinking, or give me time & space to care about myself. Instead of fixating on the flashy things that grab my attention, I’ve often diverted my focus there, believing that a superior internship could solve my life. Yet, the truth remains — the constant in both the “before” and “after” phases is me.

While I live many lives at once, I seem to forget mine, bound by expectations, aspirations, and time. well, I don’t want to make Barnum statements, but I also don’t want to live others’ lives. Yes, I have been doing so until now, attempting to save relationships with holes that can’t be fixed today, dragging down with me my time, peace, and, importantly, my happiness.

Just moments ago, while heading to my terrace, I spotted some stars, or better yet, CONSTELLATIONS. I took some long exposure shots to capture the shining stars better. Quickly, I got on my computer and ran a check for the constellation names — indeed, there were more than one. This is what I found.. I am writing this blog since a prolonged time, I’ll try to stick to writing back again now besides all the rollercoaster ride of my life..

“To every heaven and hell that reside within me, I’m deeply aware.”

In the midst of these Dark days, I aim to live a perspective that celebrates life’s myriad blessings and holds hope in every corner. Are our bright moments the sole memories that define us? There was a time when I feared they might wield that power, but no more. This phase of seeking solace in solitude has become somewhat addictive, a sanctuary from the pain. Yet, within this seclusion, I find comfort in the simple routines of daily life — pedaling to college, relishing breakfast at fixed hours. These commonplace yet soothing rituals served as the focal point in my fragmented world.

Sadly, nothing seems to stir my interest anymore. it has became boring to be not excited by the bits and bytes of the internet flowing through my network but something in the real world. which is the source of all the life that I have— the very essence of life. My future remains blurred, will I continue in circular motions or leap beyond the threshold I’ve always envisioned? The answer, I couldn’t know.

Depression, has firmly seeped itself in my life. It began several months ago, a bad semester result that disrupted my reality beyond my tunnel vision. The corridors of my college, once vibrant, now carry an cold air of desolation. Those familiar paths where friendships blossomed, where a mere nod brought smiles, now lie empty and dead. The classrooms, once the home to my imagination, now feel barren. a space where sharing vulnerabilities became a rarity, the pain intensifying when unspoken. Thus, solitude seems the only path to avoid distributing this pain to others. Whenever I revisit these spaces, my thoughts implode themselves, further fracturing my already broken heart. making the winds even colder, a professor’s bad criticism, which I ignored initially, gradually seeped into my subconscious, irreversibly altering my perception. Though he made attempts at fixing later, though the damage had been done, irreparable in my troubled state.

Is it even worth it? is it? the inner fight, the buried anger, the silence, the ability to hold your emotions back, the inability to cry, the long pause of silence between words, this so called wisdom that you have, to live for the things you never wanted, to sleep with a heavy chest, is this you ever wanted, is this why you slept at the terrace, staring at night skies and making imaginary constellations, is this what you dreamt for your whole childhood, is this why you started dreaming in the first place, why’d you wanna forget this life, this love, this curosity you had, for something that never belonged to you, Is it really you shubham, I’m talking to?

Am I diving into delusion? Not quite yet. I find myself ensnared within a timeline that was never tailored for me, or so I would assert. As a teenager, I may have appeared sloppy, not particularly active physically, yet my mind had already constructed an expansive world within — a world of perfection to me. Undoubtedly, delving deeper into technology was profoundly captivating, but there existed things beyond that. It was an burning sensation to converse with strangers traversing the streets, simply uncovering the narratives of others. This occupied a significant portion of my thoughts concerning my future, once I started living independently. but somehow due to some circumstances this interest of mine weathered away still somehow fossiled inside, probably because of how other people taught me to become a self-sustaining guy, which is indeed opposite of my true nature, which I got to realise real fast. also I’ve seen older people trying to find a meaning out of life (through pilgrimage etc.) I always wanted to make that effort early in my life while simultaneously focusing on my work, cause I didn’t wanted to get old and yet stand back at square one. In this restless life there are only limited balancing points in my life, some of which are the people close to me, this limited nature of life, this very situations I am in, makes me wonder more about the future, and is the cause of my sleepless nights.

Yet, during this summer while alone, I revisited this cherished childhood aspiration of mine. It was then that calculated the essence of my true desires — I yearned for a life without confines, an existence beyond the fetters of experiences, past, or future. I sought to inhabit the infinitude available to me within this ceaseless “life,” similar to an endless Pink Floyd riff. A life full of experiences (cause i can’t carry anything on my deathbed), escaping the confines of shadows and beyond myself— a life that I had always dreamt for. will I ever get that, what I’m always talking of? I don’t know.

“The convergence of two seemingly separate entities blending into a singular entity, yet they remain seprated” it is a curious aspect of my life. It’s similar to the interplay of yin and yang, where opposing forces coexist within a single existence. This duality, this paradox, passes through my experiences. Picture a coin with two distinct sides — yet it’s undeniably one coin. Similarly, in my life, there are contrasting elements that run in parallel. It’s the complexity of existence encapsulated within this paradox. At times, I’ve witnessed the fusion of both lightness and darkness, happiness and numbness existing simultaneously within me, a contradictory yet undeniable truth. I find myself alternating between being the composed, well-organized individual and the fragmented, vulnerable soul. Is this a trick of my fleeting memory or an inherent characteristic of life that I’ve sought since childhood? Nevertheless, I yearn for the simplicity reminiscent of those earlier days. This intricacy is reminiscent of my life’s “Perplexahedron,” a term inspired by the cubic planet concealing the fourth map of infinity. Much like solving its puzzle, life unfolds when approached with a keen eye for detail and depth of perception.

Recently, I’ve coined another term — the “Uniform Paradox.” It resonates deeply with my experiences. Having worn a school uniform for an extended period, I now find myself perplexed by the choices when selecting attire. What seems effortlessly simple for some becomes a bewildering array of combinations and colors for me. In an attempt to resolve this complexity, I associate outfits with my identity. For instance, I spent an entire winter exclusively wearing a black hoodie, even though I had other options. It became a symbol, linked to a fictional character, “Eliott” or Mr. Robot (A rogue hacker attempting to wash down the rich), representing a facet of my persona. I did good with it, even though I’m not a hacker myself, but I liked being called mr. robot, reminds me of Rami Malek, Next time I’ll pick something that reminds of Brian Cox :)

For a long time, I’ve wanted to watch “Notting Hill” and finally doing so struck a chord with me in precisely the way I had hoped. Its simplicity had a profound impact on how I perceive certain aspects of life. Interestingly, I find myself a personal connection to it, something intangible that perhaps you and I couldn’t discern with our naked eyes but is evident to me through the chemical reactions in my brain. Usually, I’m not one to delve into discussions about movies, but this particular film has managed to establish a link with me through a yet-to-be-explored channel. well not to give you any spoilers but the point of notting hill for me, lies in the place itself, while notting hill might seem a pleasing architectural to the eyes of many, it is one of the places that you’d find me in the future.

I’ve stopped drinking tea since a month almost, even though it used to be a significant part of my routine. It’s a small change, yet a notable one for me. I used to be a drink it a lot — having it right out of bed and then a few more times during college — but I never quite felt right about it. so having taken this step, it is quite a change, I feel more refreshed now without anything to have, it has affected my skin positively too, never saw that coming, huh. apart from that, I can’t stop to wonder about the possiblites of my life, well these days I like to hide from the big events in my life, not doing anything much, not challenging my faith too much, scrapping the pieces of happiness from the little moments in my life, but is this what I always lived for? the answer to this can’t be put into words easily but you can see I’m trying to, I definetely never wanted to be a rebel, instead of the times I was desperately eager to hack into my school’s computer systems and give myself some grades of glory, and that never happened :)

Do you know Lucky Ali? Of course, you do! :) How about something to make you feel nostalgic? Today, as I was clearing some old stuff from my father’s shop — a Diwali tradition in India, involving cleaning out old items from houses and shops — I stumbled upon something that instantly caught my eye. In a millisecond, the image of pyramids and seashells wired in my brain pointed towards “Sunoh,” the album by Lucky Ali. It contained all the best songs that come to mind when you think of Lucky Ali. There it was — an old cassette covered in fine dust amidst a pile of other famous artists’ cassettes.

While Lucky Ali resides in our hearts, his musical masterpiece couldn’t stay confined to that dusty bag any longer. So, I picked it up along with a bunch of other cassettes, cleaned them, and safely stored them in a box. Rediscovering this artistic gem brings great joy. However, it also prompts reflection on how a lifetime of hard work, passion, joy, and patience can go unnoticed by many. I realize it’s not mathematically possible for everyone in the world to know about every individual, especially as we move towards a multiplanetary existence.

Isn’t it discomforting to think that people may not know who I am and whether or not I ever walked on the grassy plains of this planet? (My fossils won’t be as big and distinctive as a smug T-rex) regardless of how long or short I live. But you know what? I remember a poem from my English class in school — though the details escape me. It conveyed that statues weather with the wind, empires disappear with the test of time, and the rulers eventually die. Yet, poetry/art remains resilient, passed from generation to generation. I believe that’s what Lucky Ali did, that’s what artists do. They create something indestructible that can never vanish with time.

Atlast I can say, Even if my work or life goes unnoticed by some, it will at least never die.

I apologise if my words don’t make any sense to you, it’s me, complicated. How to fix life? It was a question consistent through my search history some years ago. I really wondered about it, is there a quick easy answer to that? I was not patient enough to find these answers. But there lies something deeper than finding those answers, there’s this deep desire in me, to do something and dive in it headfirst, get so deep inside that even sunlight can’t be traced there. And there lies my weakness to run after a single thing such passionately that I couldn’t trace my life back, which hurts after all.

Lying in shallow waters is something I can’t do anymore, to avoid thinking about life, to avoid challenges, to be something you aren’t, to be an observer to your own life, let people drive your life’s wagon, romanticise the pain listening to that music, becoming someone I don’t want, I can’t live with. Like Elliott said, “I can be another fool, or an exception to the rule.” The choice was mine to make. I wondered if there exists an algorithm for fixing everything, with O(1) time complexity. It turns out I was insane to find that thing. I feel life is not a mere collection of events, it is the events occurring in the sequence which makes the life as we live it, much smaller than I can observe.

I know even if my writings are unknown to most, writing taught me to wait for better things in life, and to feel better for the ones you have today. All my writings have taught me more about myself each time, it’s like reading a book about yourself, but someone else wrote it. I write my heart out, so I naturally feel good about what I write. I feel like I was driven by emotions at some point of time in my life, all my decisions etc. were somehow connected to what I felt and another time I took radical decisions, ignoring what my heart wanted, I’ll call them “just do it” days. I don’t like the extreme points very much in life, one that feels my complete life is a dream and another feels my complete life is incomplete code. To say, neither of them are enjoyable, the perfect fun lies in the secret mix of both these, it’s a sweet spot and I gotta find it. Of all the things I like in my life I enjoy brotherhood very much, I can say that clearly now (as I’ve experienced it) it’s the best environment I thrive in. To be surrounded by people of my age/interests, maybe it’s a little to ask but it’s a paradise for people like me to live in.

“I built my fences too high, Had nowhere to go, No one could get inside. I dug my trenches too deep, I couldn’t see the sky And then a bullet hit me, I came alive.”

Who am I? If this is another one of life’s fallacies, then I’ll leave this question right now and sleep early today. But there are some things on my mind I want to talk about; it certainly changes a lot of things in my life. Easily, I can consider myself an NPC in someone’s game where I am bound to do certain tasks every day, and some programmer may have set my randomness variable value to zero. Am I a mixed bag of people around me, controlled by the emotions and the mood of other people around me? Completely out of control. But no matter how indifferent my words might be, you can feel the truth gazing you like a daunting killer with a dull knife in his hand.

A few months ago, I encountered someone on the bus ride to their college, a person who always had punk music playing, seemingly to soothe their inner pain or perhaps replace it with a human touch. He masqueraded as happy, but with each passing day, a part of him died quietly. He chose to spend most of their time outdoors, avoiding the life that seemed to cling to them like a dark shadow. silently wishing that this night might be their last encounter with the Grim Reaper. I found myself at a loss, unsure of how to console this person. What could bring happiness to this person, and, worse yet, was there any hope of redemption from their torment?

As it turned out, It was me all along.“In pursuit of one life, he lost another.” The opening lines I shared at the beginning, potray what he did — he built fences and dug trenches simultaneously, creating barriers that isolated them from the world. But you know what came next? HE rose up, found himself as the strength to separate themselves from the darkness which consumed him, unbroken by words and people, He never looked back, never.

“I took a heavenly ride through our silence, I knew the moment had arrived. For killing the past and coming back to life.” Man, I’ve gotta say these are the best words I’ve heard in days. It’s like entering another dimension of life again, falling endlessly, smiling into this spiral, slowly descending, my hands touching the ground first, then my body, and finally, a slow rebound — all this while neglecting all the other things in life. Don’t accuse me of being high, I’ve just listened to some Pink Floyd. Yeah, truly :)

So it all began some days back. I was getting really tired, and incredibly numb. I was constantly going through a lot of self-reflection, I was not comfortable being “me”. Constantly giving subsequent interviews and coding rounds, expecting replies to come, compulsively checking my inbox for an update, all this while studying a few hours for my exam preparation. I don’t know if this is hard work or not. I’d likely say it’s not. There’s a lot more to do and a long way to go. You are with me, my friend, aren’t you? So, what did I do? I tuned randomly into “The Division Bell”, “The wall” and found some inspiration to draw from, to look into the mirror again and start thinking again. tuning to some of these peices, I feel like seeing my childhood as a observer now, hearing all those familiar sounds of my childhood, I can see the smaller version of myself, lost in his own miniature world, unheard of all the things in this world, trying to make sense of these new humanly feeling someone dropped in him, buidling his life like it’s a mini trainset. It’s a trip to my childhood, everytime.

I had this notion of “The Weak Society” in my mind. It’s a nerdy idea, but get it. To build a network of all those people from the world who don’t have anyone to go on a dance with, who still think there are monsters lurking under their beds, who have a 9 PM bedtime, who still cry watching Mufasa die, who dread the string of paper cuts — to bring all those together. But do you know the irony? You only join this group of people to exit this group. It makes you realize where you are. Even named “The Weak Society,” people are not weak, they’re just struggling in their bodies, trying to fit in. In the end,

“Tongue-tied, twisted, just an earth-bound misfit, I.”

Hey, I know you missed me these 5 days, but what can I do? I was juggling back and forth between the future and the past of my life every day, mentally. Until someone invents the time machine. I had this thought today that I wanted to write. It’s a little rough, but you’ll get it, trust me :) Sometimes I feel like I see the world as a grand mathematical equation. It’s unusual for me to think that way, but hear me out. To convert love to attraction, to convert the future into probability, to convert hatred into repulsion, to see failure as a failed experiment. It seems a perfect world to me, a sweet world I always wanted. But wait, why? Why convert everything to logic?

“Life hurts, logic doesn’t.” You can always correct your logic and maybe become a better human. It’s my way of thinking to avoid getting inflicted by people and life, reducing this mere exsistence to binary code. But still, each morning I awaken, I feel like the robot in the parkour game, “Vector,”due to some malfunction, wakes from his sleep pod and then runs away being chased by the robot boss. Maybe he got awakened to the dystopian world he was living in, I wish to wake up from this dystopian world I live in, to be something more than just another brick in the wall.

There always exists something higher than what I can feel in life. If someone were to question me, I’ll say, “I am a broken human. born on the assembly line and some computer virus gave me emotions.” If you worry about my contemplative nature, don’t fret, I’m still a child at heart and this is my wonderland. Whatever I think, I know there exists something much higher and deeper than I can feel or possibly know of. Somewhere in my heart, lies that affection for imperfections, tilted lines, breezes, highs-lows, fear, joy, anger, that scents of raindrops falling on earth, which don’t exist in my binary world, even if they did, they aren’t original. If you ever wish to meet me in my binary world.

“Somewhere beyond light and love, you’ll find me!”

I’m numb or I can say comfortably numb, which I don’t like being these days. “Well the way I feel is the way I write, It isn’t like the thought of a man who lies.” I was a arrogant kid sometime before life brought me to my knees, it told me many things about life, someday it whispred in a cold way in my ear, “nothing remains permanent in life”. It feels like getting hit by a hard sack of bricks onto your head. whatever you had, you lose it, even if you have a house a family, all your personal belongings get stolen, you feel robbed by life. the toys that you used to fonder are now long gone, your warmth for people, it’s not there anymore. all you’re left is with a empty house. nothing feels familar, nothing exciting anymore. you feel like an addict to your own persona, having no power to change anything.

if you’ve seen death note, you know that the Shinigami deals the eye of shinigami (A power to see people’s name and their lifespans), in exchange for half of your lifespan. not suprisingly he made deals with humans, who traded half their lifespan multiple times. In reality, sometimes you feel like you’ve traded your soul for something not important.

I had enough of this humanly realm :) maybe I should talk about aliens, one of my favourite scientists, Neil de grasse tyson, had this crazy thoughts about alien civilisations. it’s our imagination that has made aliens offensive truly. it has some evidence, you can see how we humans had fought wars for power and dominance which is a common theme throughout the history of ours. we imply the same for aliens too.. assering the technological advanced aliens might fight the weaker humans. this is what fears human species of aliens, they fear they might see a reflection of themselves. but for any alien readers, I welcome you with open arms, whether you’re a klingon, a gorn, a friend from another galaxy, you’re welcomed for some chit chat and a friendly game of Battlefield 2042.

I always had this backdoor approach to life, to do the same thing but without knocking the obvious door. It was fun as a child, As I played “Urban Regin 2” it was running to the wall, the opponent follows you, execute wallflip and Peekaboo!! attack him from back. It was helluva fun :’) but as I grew I found painful to use backdoors in life and to not live upto what I wanted, I know the obvoius backdoors to the pain (Alcohol, smoking, hooking up) but it would only push me one mile away from home. I won’t say I didn’t use them, but I believe going the distance.

When I’d see things and time falling apart, I’d always be looking for something else to do. I’d take things as granted, assume what happening to me is my fate and in the end of the day, sleep with a heavy chest or be more deluded so I can eliminate that too.. Do you know something? Life without interest is non existing for me, I can surf through my life, not taking the courage to make right what I’ve done wrong, in the end It’ll always feel a void inside me. Suffering is envitable for everyone and for me, but I gotta keep the courage to do the right, to do what must’ve been done..

I have started gaining some momentum with time, though it’s my start and it’s a long journey ahead. I’ve decided to quit some of my addictions I had, I had left my tea breaks for sometime, disturbing my sleep cycle. I am not willing to use instagram for a long time now, I don’t feel quite good after chatting with someone for hours and then going to my bed feeling bad. I’ll rather chose to go to bed tired after playing a badminton for sometime. personally I feel like adhering to a good bedtime so that I don’t feel tired in morning. and I’ve fixed a time for my studies which I keep for just my work, not be disturbed.

Hey Reader, I know someday you’ll know what happnened afterall but this is about today, what you read is what I feel without any changes in this moment you are me & I am you, I feel particularly good, but there’s a little crippling feeling and fear of will I complete what I’ve chosen? It chills my spine, but I believe in myself, there’s always a open door for quitting, but that ain’t for me. I will make sure, I live upto what I wanted. I’m shy about things in life, yes really. to start something new, it means a lot to me, that’s why I never told people, but it’s my joy to have something unique to myself.

One thing I always had in my mind was to not make my life extravagant, I just want something quite, something intricate, more personal than ever. It’s how I see life, to explore all the grasslands, rivers, sunset/sunrises, places, to write about my experiences. getting to know humanity, people, the pain in this world, I wanna see everything! if you wanna imagine it, I’d want to live a life like Che Guvera. for many people he’s an idol, he lived his life helping people, riding motorcycle across all the south america, he rode for days and days just to find his inability to help people, which changed him forever. he’s someone I can only dream of becoming, he’s in one of the top spots of the “People I wish I met” list.. he always is. I can’t think of a perfect ending for this night, so I’ll say the magical word, goodbye.

“To know the answers I was always searching was tough, but some they were just living here within me.” particularly I have a dream and I wanna do something about it, I wanna go the hard ways now but not the ones you think which I have already been through, there are only so many things that I like doing, and I want to do those, now. living a life by interest rather than compulsion is what I always wanted. As a kid I never wanted to be someone, everyone is becoming, I wanted to be cool, the one who knows everything. maybe it’s curosity but it is something that really made me feel alive. I wanted to go deep into somethings, to be optimistic about future, to be excited about tommorow before going to bed & somewhere I lost my motivation, never the dream though. I’ve been at the bottom for a long time and I wanna jump out of it. I wanna change things, I just want to do it.

I deleted my social media since two months now and for a good time now, I further continue to reduce my distractions (there are many). I want to do it this time for myself, for the life I always wanted. I will not sacrifice my happiness, which infact comes from the people I live with, I bet they won’t leave me. for the things I lost, “Every thing that you love, you will eventually lose, but in the end, love will return in a different form.” says kafka. though I haven’t read his books but I want to enjoy reading them someday, slowly, taking time. feeling every word as written and take those to my grave.

Am I just lazy, or does the world seem to be moving too fast? Well, I can’t provide a definitive answer, but one thing I can say is that it’s changing, and it’s changing for the better. I haven’t been writing in recent days even though I had many thoughts to express. Being an introvert, I tend to speak less with words. While searching through various profiles for my internship, I came across several personal websites of professors. I was amazed to see how they made their sites both fun and meaningful; it truly caught my attention. Some of them had a fondness for superheroes, especially Iron Man. This sparked my interest in the research life, exploring how the slow yet substantial progress can be so fulfilling. To be honest, I quite enjoyed my time during the research phase of my life. It’s the complete package of what you’d expect things to turn out for a person like me, a “half-blooded prince.”

some fictional wanderings, Vaas once said, “The world is a diagonal, and I’m the balancing point.” In the midst of chaos, holding a flickering candle takes courage, even when you know it might not work this time. It takes a determined individual to defy the world and do it. Rocky did just that when he fought Drago. He knew for sure that the odds were stacked against him, especially without Apollo in his corner. Yet, he still persevered. I can’t think of a more inspirational movie than “Rocky.” Watching him rise from the streets of Philly to becoming the best boxer in the world and then settling for a normal life again is what makes him a dream for me. He faced tough challenges in life but never gave up, and he never stopped being Rocky. I still remember the scene where he gets up, drinks some eggs straight out of bed, and then goes for a run. Beware, I’ll copy this routine someday for sure. Unlike other heroes I’ve seen, he was a down-to-earth person, had close friends like Paulie and Mickey, and lived his life one street at a time. I can’t wait to become like him someday. I love you, Rocko!

I’m riding a wave of emotions stronger than I’ve ever felt. For a stretch, I found myself dodging life’s demands, struggling at times to articulate my thoughts — a lifelong challenge. Amidst this feeling of being adrift, there’s a refuge — a place where my mom patiently waits, where my sister’s laughter echoes, and where my dad marks the moments until I return. Maybe I come across as unconventional, yet within my heart, there’s this vast, borderless space where certain people reside, dwelling rent-free. Without them, my life feels incomplete. It’s a wide-open expanse, not confined by walls but filled with cherished faces. When I close my eyes, their joyous expressions flood my senses, infusing meaning into my life and nurturing my happiness.

Lately, I’ve taken up learning the guitar, starting with one of my all-time favorite songs by Landon Pigg. I hope to master it entirely one day, just the way I dream of playing it. The sheer pleasure of playing this tune is indescribable, and if ever given the chance, I’d jump at the opportunity to perform it live.

Chaos is a friend of mine.

When it comes to making decisions in my life, they’ve usually been infused with happiness and simplicity, almost seamlessly intertwined — too straightforward for someone as unassuming as myself to overlook. Today, on September 5th, it marked Teacher’s Day, a day that holds profound significance for me. It turns out, I’m still a devoted learner in the school of an extraordinary person I’ve been fortunate to encounter. I feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude for the joy, happiness, and fulfillment this individual has brought into my life. Their teachings continue to shape me; I remain a constant student, never straying far from their wisdom.

No matter how much I express my thanks, it never seems enough for all that this mentor has given me. Whenever I encounter a challenge, their words of wisdom and witty anecdotes come to my rescue, guiding me through the turmoil. Their insights always encourage me to slow down, to embrace a more peaceful pace of life. They inspire me to hold onto beliefs that resonate deeply within me, to prioritize the things I cherish, and to relish each moment without the pressure of competition or external forces. It’s a philosophy I strive to embody — a life lived simply and beautifully, centered around what truly matters to me.

Do you know “Nandi,” the carrier of Shiva, which is a sacred cow? I remember a memory of mine sitting on a statue of Nandi outside a temple. I guess it was in Kanyakumari. I saw that photo again a few years back, and it brought a flash of memories. I was sitting on that statue, completely carefree, a happy and fun child, smiling like a clown. I had short hair back then and was just a jolly kid. But why do I remember it today? Well, it seems that all the happiness that comes into my life takes me back to childhood memories, which were the best times I had.

I remember asking my parents to buy a yellow “Transformer” toy after much whining. I even prayed for it in the temple. Little did I know it was going to be broken soon. I had my fair share of experiences with dismantling things at my home, even if it didn’t lead to anything useful. I once disassembled a pocket radio, and I attached it to a completely unrelated object just to make it look cooler. These flashes of my childhood come when I really enjoy something or during moments that touch my heart and eyes. Today was somewhat like that. Besides, the reader knows about it. These are my little guilty pleasures of life, timeless, which I never talked about.

I saw a video today from Veritasium and was amazed to see the Japanese micromouse bots, which were even comparable to a coin! The finishing times for these bots were under 10 seconds for most of them. Just like Fast and Furious, this is some seriously attractive stuff! How did they do it? I’m still scratching my head about it. How did they fit a computer on that thing? There’s no way I can figure this out myself. One possible way is to trim off the components not in use from a regular Arduino, like the clock and temp sensors, but wouldn’t that make it unusable? The mystery remains.

Life’s taken an intriguing turn lately, heading towards an interesting path! Just a few days ago, after several attempts, I finally cracked the code to install Kali myself. They say, “The quieter you become, the more you’re able to hear,” and it’s fascinating — it carries that intriguing spy-like vibe. It’s like having everything you need at your fingertips, a bit like wandering through a vast candy store as a kid.

With my reliable Wi-Fi down, I’ve resorted to immersing myself in downloaded content. “Permanent Record” by my pal, Snowden — everyone knows him! Edward Snowden, the master hacker and the exile king, needs no introduction. It promises to be an intriguing read, and I’m eager to delve into it soon. Lately, I’ve found myself bombarded with Brian Cox’s videos, leading me into a philosophical reflection: the choice between a finite, fragile life or an infinite, eternal universe. It’s mind-boggling to think that we, essentially atoms formed in a giant death star, are the universe’s way of understanding itself. When you ponder it, we’re practically the universe itself.

Today, my buddy Trouser Pandi (Birayani Macha!) asked about my winter plans. Since hibernation wasn’t an option, it got me contemplating. Here we are in another February of life, a bit wiser and less stressed. This might resonate if you’ve known me from the start. Macha’s a cool and laid-back guy, an introvert, which surprised me initially, but it’s true. He’s Sanjay from the 4th dungeon of my hostel row in NIT — such a great guy!

John Vincent III just released a new country song, “That’s Just the Way It Is, babe.” Shhh, let’s keep it between us. I absolutely love this song; it struck a chord in my heart instantly. I definitely want to master it on the guitar. That classic country vibe Vincent always brings — I’m so into that. I find myself dreaming of singing this song by a campfire on a dark night, under the breathtaking stars, on some distant mountain. Ah, another dream discovered.

Writing this feels right. Lately, spending time with my father while doing our usual tasks brought back a nostalgic feeling of the old days. Maybe I was overthinking things before. I genuinely cherished those moments with my papa. I understand he’s different, but I’m learning to appreciate that more now.

Love you loads, Papa.

Of the very few times I use my phone for writing this blog. This entry must be one of them. I can’t pursue music I guess for a some time now.. I can’t hear loud sounds and thuds they say. All these days when I felt bad about my health or just my bad feeling about the day. i thought I might be having a rough time again. This continued for a long time. Waking up feeling tired again, just like I didn’t had slept, covered in sweat. To quote Bruce Springsteen, “At night, I wake up with the sheets soaking wet and a frieght train running through the middle of my head..” I’ve been told those might be some nightmares, but they were never really gone. I was clueless and tired. Just last few days were about pain and rising again, I was having some severe pain in my head and I was getting tired really soon. so I decided to put a end to this thing, so I finally decided to consult a doctor for this, last evening I went. “I was having Migraine”, the doctor said, I didn’t believe. he said it’s Triggered by sharp sounds, excess sunlight, family history. Sometime later it all started to make sense to me. I don’t know what should I infere from this, should I live my rest of life on painkillers, it does feel better without having those. This was very uncalled for at this time of my life. I wondered that why does all the people who write diaries or blogs, die. Then I chuckled that the question was wrong ;)

just before all this happened, a few days ago I was actually writing on a blog post which holds a great importance in my life, I don't wanna turn mad and stop writing that, just because I have some humanly migraine..

Ahh where do we start? 20 years back, perhaps.. it occurs to me that I never did think of future much in college. It was living just one day at a time XD but now when I do, I feel good.. I believe I’ll be fine. I know I’ve got some struggles along the way but who doesn’t, and I ain’t going to leave them. now when I do care about myself It becomes easy to move on, easy to understand people, just to think about others or getting out of myself. If I see what I’ll do in some years, I think I’ll go somewhere I always wanted to go, the places I dreamt of since 7th grade, maybe live a life I always wanted. I forget sometimes I’m just a regular boy, I have some little dreams too, I wanted to move to United Kingdom or london to be specific it was my dream since I was a kid, I like the city very much deeply engraved with the british architecture, the big ben, the london eye, the thames everything exciting in one city alone! I wanted to work there on the things I like doing. maybe it is silly, but I still do. As I turn 20, I feel more closer to myself, to who I am. I am glad that I’ve got such great people around me. I’ll want to live with them more than ever. If a song could express what I feel it would be this. and someone will remember it more than ever. also I wanna continue “The zero days of life” to my 21st birthday too, maybe 22nd and so on it is kinda becoming my baby now.. also the spotify number is at 1926 as of now.

PS: just yesterday, somethings made me realise how bad haircuts I went through in college :P now when I see those, I can’t stop laughing XD maybe that exploration did result in a stable one for some time atleast..

As always, “On sleepless roads, the sleepless go.”

This was what life was all about! running in circles.. you know what’s interesting? life is limited so does our time.. if you had infinite time to live on this planet your life would be very pity soon.. the running time is what makes life beautiful, knowing you only have some months to stay at a beautiful place, some time to stay with someone, makes you enjoy life more than ever. life’s nature that it is limited makes you a human, unlike video games where you can respawn everytime you die, in reality all you got is one shot at life. no respawning. this is the same reason you like someone maybe because you’re only going to live a limited time with them, and after that there’s nothing to be done. sometimes when you’re pushed back by conditions and environments you don’t seek much, as rocky said, “go the distance” maybe someway along the path I forgot this. I' currently just idol, got nothing to do. no direction this time, maybe I take some time rethink a little then do something worthwhile, but not the same things for sure ;)

Here are some thoughts in my mind today that I want to put down before I kick off my shoes. I’m not sure where to begin when it comes to this summer of mine. But one thing I can say for sure is that this summer wasn’t extraordinarily exciting, and I didn’t do anything monumental. However, it was undeniably the best summer I’ve had so far. I can feel a sense of peace and contentment, two things that have been absent from my life for a long time.

I lived this summer without any fixed plans. Some days, I went to the office without knowing what to do, but I always ended up doing something interesting. I might have read something fascinating or had a fun conversation with my colleagues, and I never came back with an empty heart. It’s as if everything in my life has come together, and my heart shines brighter than ever.

I’ve always believed that life would be full of bliss someday, but I never really thought about today. Reflecting on the good things I’ve done, perhaps I’ve become a good friend to some people I hadn’t met before. I enjoy this “riding the wagon” phase of my life, and this time, I won’t be looking back. I can feel the goodness within myself, and I don’t need to search for it elsewhere. I don’t need to be anywhere else because life is happening today, right now. As someone once said to me, it’s all about the people and places, and I believe they were right.

not sure what to write today, nothing much has been on my mind no stories, no jokes, no fun thing. what should I do today? I don’t know the night is long and dark. maybe I’m a little impatient to understand myself, I focused too much outside not knowing what’s happening inside. my eyes are heavy, I’m tired but I can’t sleep. you know what, sometimes it becomes our job to not let our inner self down, maybe I'm saying this because I'm down.

I was thinking of any activity I should start again in my free time like i used to before, so hitting back the gym seemed the best idea, but you know what I won’t be doing that, until I get all the things straight. well today was a little odd, it was a holiday I did my work and all, but I was searching for me something else to do, back home I think of things not to do what a dilemma!

So just yesterday I completed “ghost in the wires” and it feels really nice to read a book after a long gap, well I read it online and it was still a thrill to read by, it’s about the life and the adventure of kevin mitnick, who by his childhood was very amazed by puzzles and magic. then as he grew he became a pro for using blue phone, ham radio, frequency generators etc. he hacked into companies just with curosity, no motive of making anything out of it, later he did various hacks exploiting zero days and the best part was his social engineering hacks where he’d impersonate other people and gained priviliges for him it was a game. every “su”, “root” or the admin priviliges into servers felt to him like a level up in that. this particular line in the book, “Anyone who loves to play chess knows that it’s enough to defeat your opponent, You don’t have to loot his kingdom or seize his assets to make it worthwhile.”

He did many things that I could never think and at a young age he became the world’s most wanted hacker, he then spent two years of his life on the run from working in LA, Denver, Seattle, changing his idendities, to work and in his free time to do the thing we was best at, to hack and then getting caught eventually after this long run. he believes that human link is the weakest in any security chain, true that. I get really inspired from him and his life, he’s a legend and motivation for many people.

**I don’t know this is a tragedy or something today at 21st July I got to know he’s no more. I was reading about him for these months and now that I know he’s no more.

what happens when you isolate from all the noises by just using a pair of headphones, to create a aura inside your mind seprated from outside world. you know us humans, we tend to fantasize all the emotions and music helps us in acheving that. that applies everywhere I guess wherever you go, if you can mute your internal chatter you can enjoy what you’re living, peacefully. no limit, no thoughts, no good no bad.

One thing I feel is to let change come into my life, not resisting it in any way, let places, people, thoughts, taste, ideas, smells, sound change you. I think I wrote a postcard line or something funny but it is true :P A new smell or fragrance does lift my mood just as a filter coffee in evening. I guess karate kid is a lot of wisdom for a small mind.

also to take my mind off things I have been playing battlefield 4 from past days one day on a count of 5 hours+ not feeling good wasting time, I guess no playing for next days. “Ghost in the wires” by kevin mitnick as I mentioned earlier is about to complete, a lot of adrenaline rush from reading a book online this time. also this new thing I found on youtube about liquid NNs is something cool..

Hey ya! haven’t seen ya in a while. do you know I rided in a storm, actually not like a cool sharknado or something. but just a normal ride in the rain, well this was also a spontaneous thing to do. just 5 mins before we thought this and five mintues later we hit the road. cycling through the rain, stopping at a local coffee vendor for a quick charge then back on track, I guess life would be this simple all the time. well that was 2 days ago. after all these days of coming here, I feel like I should’ve left my home early. that would’ve great if I’d have done that.

do you feel like you were chasing something in your dream and when you wake you are just lying on your bed, far away from the thrill of the chase of getting that thing. that does happens to me too.. just somethings you chase and when you get there it’s just nothing, empty space. just like an oasis.

It’s a coincidence that I’ve started writing the same time I did yesterday but many things changed yesterday, as my roomate and my friends had completed their offline internship, good luck Raunak and Abhijit! kudos to you guys if you’re reading this. also to my goofy techy friend, Ashwin, will miss you buddy too.. so to start things again I just started from the same spot we guys ate for numerous days. It brought a ton of images to my eyes. so just a clean slate again I guess. I don’t know what passive thing I feel, to never let go of people, to tell you it’s not the best thing ever. life demands randomness and confidence too. maybe sometimes one of these are lost, afterall it’s a question of exploitation vs exploration. what will you choose? Try a mix of both! ##th is is the most spoken line on tzdol yet..

fun fact, I just used a fabric whitener, of which I was unknown of the result, supposedly contained bleach, ruining my dark grey shirt, that was my favourite shirt but it’s orange now due to bleaching. whatta mistake! Attaboy :P

Also a new luke korns video is out, here. this time luke travels to live in amazon being inspired by a book, and he manages to get into the deep amazon jungle. it’s a very beautiful thing to see. I really admire his work, he really inspires me to walk in his shoes. it’s exciting how simple things can be such impactful. I love that and if you’re reading till here and my kinda footnote makes you smile, love for you..

Arigatou.

Writing blog started as a hobby, but now it seems there’s a higher purpose to it than just write about the interesting things in my life. to share the joy of my life or the beauty I get to see through words. one of most interesting things I like doing is “what next?” if you know me from some time, after something interesting happens in my life i post “what next” on my social media, well it takes time to do that, sometimes waiting for months, but still it happens. I enjoy that moment where I don’t know where I’ll be next or what the next one will be, but the uncertainity of the moment gives me chills.

Also now I’d like to share this space for someone new in my life, I can’t mention the details but it’s beautiful. I didn’t think about sharing my life before, as I was a dumb person those days, but now I am going to. it’ll be very personal and integral part of my life from now on. maybe this is what makes me feel complete, a missing piece of my life’s puzzle or this is my life’s save game moment.

So this is a quick fix for life or a thought for mind, I don’t know. everytime I see my storage clogged or my device living on the last GB of space I wish I had, Free space. free space is intriguing it always captures my mind whenever I wish for it. let’s say whenever you wanna increase your learning or you wanna do something, you wish having free mental space. our computers do can get it by just simple Clicks on the GUI but we complicated humans have a different method for achieving this. maybe sometimes all we want is some space or a place to think new things, that is what we call a escape in life i think. am I right or wrong, it’s conditional.

I’m enjoying free coffee these days, but I won’t disclose my source. I take it very seriously. I cycle around the campus in my free time for fun and to meet new people, with no intentions of getting into a relationship. Haha…

Also, the zero days have begun, so just the day before yesterday, I started running my simulator. The process was quite tough, involving tasks such as installing modules/packages, changing paths, and mitigating compilation errors. It was fun to mingle a folder of code during these days. Now I’m ready to fully understand it. I’m currently reading Kevin Mitnick’s “Ghost in the Wires,” and it’s a fun and adventurous read. I’m also excited about participating in my first hackathon. I’ve never been to one before, so it’s going to be a great adventure to be a part of it. There’s an online qualifying round for it, so I have to clear it with my team before I can proceed to the offline round. Let’s see how far it goes, but you, the reader, will know the result in one go. I’m jealous of your perspective.

Sometimes, all you need is a change. Maybe stress takes over or your emotions go haywire. This is a normal human behavior, and it’s okay to feel pain, as in the movie “The Fault in Our Stars” where Augustus said, “Pain has the right to be felt.” Now when I think about it, it’s absolutely true. My college was starting to take a toll on me, and these final days of exams were becoming like hell. I’m not even from an IIT or a big college, and I don’t know why it was happening, but it was painful at times. My friends knew what I was going through during those days. Well, let’s leave the past behind. These days, I’m feeling really good, with a good routine and lovely evenings. Maybe the essence of life is not to be weighed down. Perhaps we’re meant to handle things lightly, to savor the small moments we often overlook, and to appreciate the goodness in our lives. Like having the opportunity to talk to a nice person or enjoying the lovely evenings that seem to serenade you. That’s life — short and sweet.

So, what’s up? Hit refresh and get going or stay in a sweet dream for a little moment. This weekend was that dream for me. It wasn’t instantaneous, actually. We had been longing to go there for quite some time, and Puducherry, or “Pondi” as we fondly called it, finally happened. Unfortunately, Ashwin wasn’t able to join us on our biggest intern trip due to being caught up with work.

So, Raunak Bhaiya, Abhijit, and I packed our bags and headed to the dream we had been dreaming of for two weeks. Every day, we talked about the crazy things we’d do there, and it was quite an adventure! The city attracts you in every way, with its soothing weather and a vibe that makes your day perfect. The city, once occupied by the French, showcases its beauty in architecture and culture. The buildings are vibrant in color and an abstract art in their own way. My first encounter with Puducherry was before even entering it, thanks to one of my all-time favorite movies, “Life of Pi.” It’s a French craftsmanship, and Piscine Molitor grew up there. His dad owned a zoo in Puducherry before they decided to move to Canada.

The coastal city is a marvel of love and peace, be it the streets, the people, the food, or the environment — everything. The whole day was a joyride, we hit the beach, and it turned out to be real fun, with splashing and riding the waves. After having fun, I had a very personal moment sitting on the shore, listening to the waves and watching the water move back and forth. In that moment, I decided not to settle for less in life. It wasn’t arrogance but an inner call for me to listen to myself and appreciate the beauty it brought to my life. To bring peace and happiness from people, places, and winds. Also, just for a bit of fun, I decided to bring my girlfriend to Pondicherry before anywhere else. Yes, really. It’s a very personal place indeed, and even someone like me felt that. I don’t know what brought it to my life, but I take it seriously now. It’s not so much about the show or the photos; it’s about the energy of that place and the mutual happiness one can feel.

So, that was in the morning. In the evening, I got to hit the beach again and roamed the streets like a tourist. A weird thought came to my mind — to make a video recording my thoughts — and I did just that. After finishing and taking a few photos of the sunset, I walked along the shoreline. I found a spot to sit, with a couple on one side and a man in his mid-20s on the other. I’m a bit of a wanderer, so it made sense for me to sit there. I glanced at the person on the right, and he did the same. I thought of striking up a conversation.

A few moments later, he asked, “Where’re you from?” I replied, “Jodhpur, Rajasthan.” Then, we started talking, and I got to know that he was a native of Puducherry. We talked a lot about the city, life, and oceans in general. It became a personal conversation, and he shared his life and the colors of it, while I shared mine. I was very happy talking to him. After about 30 minutes, he said he had to leave. So, I asked his name, and he replied, “Rohan.” Before leaving, I said, “We’ve never met before in life, but you feel like a big brother to me. I don’t have any.” Then I hugged him, and he left. Maybe this was somewhat what the nature of life aches for — freedom, happiness, warmth of a personal talk, and silence. It was a very heartwarming moment for me. Then I listened to the waves for some time while sitting on the shore, grabbed a coffee, and left for the city.

So the world is round, comes back to where it started. life is a cycle, an alternating cycle, if you can believe this, it’s a good thing about life, cause you don’t leave earth on a bad point or a open cause. that’s the beauty isn’t it? the more you think about it, the more naive you feel about your opinion about life in general. every system has some vulnerabilites so does mine, my lack of ability to connect with people or the ability to understand their hearts is one such thing. the general code of life is open sourced for some and encrypted for other people like me. I’ll like it to be on the former, no questions asked, no locks, no keys. just open windows and bliss shining all over. I am very naive, I don’t know about a lot of things in life, don’t know much about myself too.. but I feel the intrests to find these things is very much needed daily. the sensitive nature of life affected by enviourment, people, music, this makes us humans right.

My intern is going on, it’s a sunday, I’m enjoying the work life balance, a routine for daily things, a mental place to think, enjoy life a little, the perfect place to grow, think freely, creatively without any bounds. I’ve made good friends here they are fun loving as me, different from places, cultures but with the same lifes at core. this place teaches me to get out of my shell, do something, stay open to changes. live a life worth living, to not consider getting inspired as a bad thing. I don’t feel alone here, I feel young again, not bound by anything, making mistakes learning from them, trying new ones. also gonna talk about the city, the place and the experience in the next blog, sorry for the boring stuff today, this is life nowadays. also here’s a tamil song I’m hooked to these days. love you.

As many days of planning, travelling, trying my kicks this day has came, I’ve came to the campus now and I’m a intern officially. I understand It might be easier for some people to do than me, but It has been a real steep learning curve for me this time. I am alone, my parents they’ve left, my room is empty. but there lies no sadness in this tone, as I’m ready for trying out what I wanted to do all time long, to work my own way, to make my day the way I want to. it took a train from banglore and a few bus rides exploring the beautiful city of tiruchirapalli, to get here. I have a new beginning for me this time, starting all over from ground zero and I can’t afford to waste it. there are a million thoughts in my mind. I’ll do it, I’ll become the person I always wanted to be, this is my “Hridayam”.

“Life is full of stories” I think some people like me forgot the meaning of this sentence. In my childhood I liked reading comics at my parental house, that comics didn’t had any logical learning for me, but looking at the photos, caricatures, goofy cartoons, just made my life fun. It was like diving into a fun river, naked or playing into mud again. Well that was childhood, I wasn’t any social person, relations meant very personal to me, like a thing only me and my mom would know. Yeah that’s something about my childhood I realise these days, as I see children smiling. So that was a emotional talk right? Naah, but a great news is I am starting my internship Tommorow, and it’s the time I dive into cybersecurity for sure, this time. Life’s changing and I’m liking it, in a long time, I feel younger than ever before. I hope life regains the meaning it had some years back.

“It’s a shining day" and I’m moving to and fro in the train. The weather is a little humid and hot, I played EA Sports, “Cricket 07" in my childhood I selected the humid weather, because it increased my chances of taking wickets, I didn’t knew this is what it feels in real life XD also the train is packed! I’ll say it again. It’s more than I’ve ever seen. Just the last station I was about to miss boarding it back, I went to quench my thirst and the train started moving, with no foot space to step on I had to get into 3 coaches away filled with too much of crowd, else I’d miss my train that time.

Everything is ready to go and together. I have my bags ready just waiting to move out. Today afternoon, I had a chance to think about what my future would look like and what combination of events are possible. Above all I’m ready, I’m ready to face challenges, myself infact, I’ll try to be the best shubham, possible. When I come back, I must be more lovable, open minded, in a better relationship with myself importantly, becoming a person people would wanna be around. For what all the things I’ve done, some of that can be fixed and some of which couldn’t be. I am hopeful for whatever happens next. I trust my parents, my buddies in college and even you. I couldn’t put that in words, it’s me. (Now i understand the plot of fast and furious) Thanks everyone, it’s because of some annoying guys I’m this person, who knows I’d be a “punk degenerate" for sure XD also I wanna buy a skateboard, so open for crowdfunding huh (⁠•⁠‿⁠•⁠)

“subah utha denge chaar baje hi (⁠╥⁠﹏⁠╥⁠)”

“Life changes, for a change”, I might not be a good writer. but yes it does, all my life ever since I was born, all my days before college were somehow connected to me in particular, be it anything. my choices, my decisions, the games I played, the music I gave my head to, all the things were inclusive to me and I thought it’s gonna stay for the whole life ahead, I had a idea of what family is obviously, but it was limited. when I met people who were all different than me, I faced the trouble of getting along with them, there’s no point in living life alone and without anyone to sit by. so I tried cracking jokes on me, like my silly hairstyle or my bad sense of humuor R.I.P. XD I stil keep trying on those hairstyle until I find that gentleman look I deserve. I still think those were the best things I did in my life, but wait why? well I don’t know exactly. but getting out of my own shell and doing something in real life, forgetting about who I am, what I do. is the shade I needed in that summertime. sharing my joy, pain, anger, numbness with people made me feel alive. but I still think there’s a lot to do there! right fella?

When I’m free, I keep myself engaged like bing wathching Big Bang Theory or digging soemthing intersting on internet, this one’s really a saver for me. A little late writing this time. aah I’m sleepy again. gotta go.

It’s T-10 officially, I wanted to put an Instagram story for this day, but I later realised that this time let me enjoy it myself, if you don’t know about T-10 days, it’s 10 days before I go, leaving my hometwon. I don’t know what to say now.. but whatever comes in the way is a must watch for me.

The world is twisted, so am I. I’m saying it .. If humans like you and me who think this much everyday, processing so much information, images, sounds and calling our memory every single second, doing what not, living portion of our lives in future and past, If we aren’t twisted then who will be? our brain is a powerful GPU ofc, wish Nvidia made something this powerful in budget, gotta upgrade for GTA VI, but what’s more amazing is how beautifully we live our twisted lives. there’s nothing we can do to change things instantly, neither there’s a rewind nor a forward in our daily lives. telling our stories is a important thing we must do, this is what my nutcracked brain learnt. for me it’s cracking a joke, or my affinity for music… well that was a heavy talk for a introvert to say right..

Writing today’s blog listening to another masterpeice by The oasis, "don't look back in anger". sometimes I have to check twice for the link I put here, kya pata kya mil jaye. I really wish to write in long lengths but endsem exams is a ride.. also here’s a fun fact, I chose “zero days of life” as my blog name for now cause I thought previously some other names such as tennyson writes, Shadow of life, life note, but they vanished before this one, I thought zero days might be a good name, it inspires me to write something exciting. also a cool one I guess.. I’ll see you in next one.

"Every Teardrop is a waterfall”, isn’t it a beautiful thing to say.. just yesterday gone uncomfortable for me in some ways, not a bad day, I still got my lessons to take away. It’s a classic dilemma known to everyone that how would your life become if you had everything you wanted, and happned as you wished. not unknown to me. maybe I don’t write about these things in my life, I always talk about the happy nerdy cool things but still something, a peice of puzzle in me or the base block of my tetris is missing, nevertheless life goes on. one of coldplay’s great success of their collections is, every teardrop is a waterfall released in 2k11, from the Mylo Xyloto Album, somehow this song struck my mind today, afternoon, on my way to home. so what was I supposed to do, put my headphones on. It relates to me more than ever.

So just a few days back I wandered about ideas of colonizing mars, it’s another sci-fi dreams, you wish come true someday. just a random idea I’m starting with.. it’s about colonizing mars, don’t say bring GTA 6 before that.. as to dive in some fiction not considering all the things that I say happen in reality, maknig mars our home is actually a pretty dope process, first thing first bringing humans to the planet requires a proper spaceship enough to carry propellent, resouruces, humans with it contratary to popular rockets designs, some new ones can be torus based design or Spiral designs, the advantage being it can create and artificial gravity inside the spaceship like the one in interstellar and these are just the basics, you’ll need to carry some offline anime series, mangas, video games, heck of a music download for many years to come, well that’s just about going there. you do need a plan to make a dome there, or your place of living isn’t it.. you can go for football shaped dome designs or maybe a pineapple shaped house with all the people wearing squarepants. obviously carrying the food is out of the options, astronuats have been carrying, meals ready to eat (MRE) in space for a long time which include frozen and powdered foods, easy to digest and carry. but the quest isn’t over there are countless number of things to keep in check, that’s for a another day. also this one’s an endless quest to talk about, let’s do it again sometime.

also I’ve been ducking all the exam bouncers these days, with things coming fast, tough to catch, I’m exploring some other ways to write, well there are so many, my previous blogs have been about things niche to my thoughts, that’s why a change. so yeah this was it, see you in next one. “On sleepless roads, the sleepless go..”

Just saw Luke Corns youtube video again, the video about hithcking across india is a beaut, so begins online meeting an indian hitchhiker online and then planning a trip, finally hitchhiking the whole of south india, living at strangers, making you love the idea of hitchiking. his channel features some great videos but especially this is something, really appreciate the work man, this is the link to the video.

I’m not a hitchiker or a freuquent traveller, but this is a perfect way of living sometime, the video especially struck as my stay in south india is coming closer, 19 days to go.. what’s more exciting is meeting strangers, getting to know about different colors of life, staying far from social idendity, where no one knows you, living on your own, where people don’t talk your language. it’s concerning sometimes. but how can I miss living like this feared by small challenges such tiring train journeys or adopting to a new climate. they just seem to fade with time. especially I can listen to music all day and never unplug my music XD. well you gotta shed your old skin someday, this is my chance of having a change, live on my own, call it bad or good, it is what it is, I’m confident that I’ll make it. I gotta valspire’s, “We’re going on a adventure” spotify playlist for that. 92 hours of headbanging madness haha..

“the real slim shady is here”, while scrolling reels found this theme song, “return of the tres” I knew it because of the game“total overdose”, it was the theme song of the game. I still remember every details of the game, Ramiro Cruz is the man, all the missions, such as “The ambush”, “The father”, the rewind button and the iconic train mission at last, one train, a dirt bike to chase and bullets flying all around.. gotta rescue your girl in the front of moving train headed towards broken bridge, iconic!!

~ the writer is sleepy, “fir milenge bhai”

“daddy’s gonna buy you a mockingbird I’ma give you the world” writing this section listening to mockingbird, I haven’t been a fan of rap culture or hip hop either, but this one’s something, don’t know the beats seem to sync your body functions, just move your head up and down, pretend like you’re a rapper too.. talking about music rock was my go to from the previous 3 years be it guns and roses, survivor, imagine dragons or coldplay or all the punk music. say anything but eminem’s a genius.. I thought once covering the room walls with favourite rock album covers or movie covers, but the plan didn’t move further, I gotta have a color printer for that buddy! and that was foolish now I think.

let’s talk about ion propulsion jetpacks for a moment, I know, I know it’s a lusty sci fi fantasy, but who charges for thinking or fondling the mind right.. but what’s this damn thing, if you’ve seen any of marvel or black panther movie you know the spacecrafts don’t leave a flame when they fly, the reason they don’t burn anything for flight or don’t use any volatile fuel like hydrogen or ATF for that purpose, they used charge particles for that purpose, says ions.. well what’s wrong then, I wish there was nothing I can say, but it’s a cruel world :P the problem being ions are not enough to generate such high amount of thrust to lift me or you up. they say increase the voltage or propellent it’ll get you some more juice out the jetpack but it still ain’t that powerful to be a banger, try some new designs or use a hybrid (burn fuel and hearts at same time :P) but as a fan it still is far cry for now. it’s not that it’s a complete fantasy it’s already in use for spacecrafts. the jeptpack I flew in San Andreas (RIP ROCKETMAN) used fuel based jetpack instead of a ion propulsion. check this banger to know more about ion thrust

fantasies apart, “kal viva he bhai” gotta go..

Started studying for the first practical subject, logic system design or LSD, funny isn’t it? not every subject is named after a psychotic drug right?? I’m two days from the practical and haven’t opened the syllabus yet, I think all the fun can come crashing down if i don’t study now, gotta study bye..

sitting in library on my favourite spot located between the breezes of the air conditoiner and the ceiling fan “the perfect position” in the universe for thinking..

the heat wave of afternoon has ended with a small nap, and just like usual I’ve watched some episodes of big bang theory again, now it’s time to get working again.. but before I go I leave a secret message for you to decrypt, it’s encrypted with ROT-13 Algorithim or Casear cipher as you call it, have luck finding the message! *I tried writing in Klingon but avoided it finally, It became pretty funny although.

qnegu inqre vf abg pbzvat gb uryc zr va zl fghqvrf guvf gvzr!

also a thought popped in my mind and it’s kinda about sports, well it’s not new to me that I’m not good at any sport unless you consider call of duty or far cry as ones.. but yeah jokes apart, I am really intersted to play a sport this summer, the idea of doing something daily that makes you happy and fit at the same time is a real deal, Gym is one such thing, but I think a sport might be better. well it can introduce you to a more welcoming group of people in real life, badminton, cricket, I’m just pondering over the choices yet but I’ll find one eventually, pretty excited, yep!

before you sleep, the message can be decrypted if you just replace every letter by the character preeceding by 13, Q becomes D, N becomes A, E becomes R and so one, it is shift 13 decryption, it is indeed useful for nerdy communication or for hiding your message as I do! now as my eyes get heavy, and I am sitting in silence, I must sleep before I think of something else.

I’ve been thinking about recording my thoughts and my progress somewhere, a notebook/journal would’ve done the job, but it turned out a blog might be even more interesting.. I hope you won’t get bored reading my writings. I just wrote the article for street photography (you can check on my profile), also having watched so many episodes of “big bang theory” certainly increases some fun here, the character of sheldon a.k.a. jim parson’s is a really intriguing one, probably he’s the reason i’m writing a blog now, I wondered over the thought of maybe publishing a newsletter too, but let’s give daily blog writing a try first, I think they could’ve made a great book series too..

from the past few days the idea of emulators is tickling me, as the current use is limited to playstation games, old nintendo controllers, xbox at max, but now my mind is wandering for more such new usecases maybe something more nerdy as I like it. apart from the fun of thinking something new, there’s a daunting sensation of end semester exams just coming to my face. Buzzinga!

now sitting on my desk, typing lightspeed my wandering thoughts, my eyes validating the correctness, the subtle sound of keystrokes, the fun of hitting the space bar after every word it’s just a “in the moment thing”.